


Turmoil Reigns

by samiekins17



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Anxiety, Blood and Gore, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Past Child Abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-01
Updated: 2016-05-12
Packaged: 2018-01-21 10:58:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 8
Words: 30,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1548206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/samiekins17/pseuds/samiekins17
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone always wondered why Izaya acted and the way he did. Why he said he loved his precious humans so much but distanced himself from them, never allowing anyone in. No one would ever guess that he hadn't always been like that. One incident had changed his life forever and made him into the man he was today. With a dark past that threatens his future, can he ever be happy again?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: This story had been pushing at the back on my mind to be written so I figured I'd finally put it down on paper. After all the lovely support of my last Durarara fic Don't Jump, I thought I'd give this an actual shot. If you haven't read it yet you should. I'm thinking about writing at least a second chapter to it with all the requests for one but I'm unsure if I'm going to or not. So until then I present you with this. The more reviews I receive the faster I will try and get this written. I hope you all enjoy.
> 
> Edit: I went back through and have edited this chapter and will continue to do so with the rest of this story. I added things here and there but for the most part it is the same. Hopefully I've caught most of the errors that it contained but if not feel free to let me know.

Children are meant to play outside in the warm summer heat without a care in the world. Their innocence protected behind imaginary walls from events their minds would have trouble comprehending. The same went for a young raven haired boy whose imagination had lead him to his own fantasy world. He was outgoing and highly enjoyed playing in his make believe castle with the neighbor kids. He had no idea how soon those walls would be torn down to expose him to the real world.

An uncle, the young boy hadn't yet met, moved in with the family. At first he was happy to meet someone new as most children did, but that quickly changed. The uncle was a horrid man, a thief who would take the young boy with him when he needed to get into small confined spaces or needed some sort of distraction. The boy knew what his uncle did was wrong but any time he spoke up about it or refused to go along with what the older man said he would be punished for being a  _ bad boy _ . The punishments usually consisted of the older man beating his nephew, but within a week of being dragged into criminal affairs the boy's innocence was completely stripped from him. His uncle was a sick twisted man who became far more interested in his nephew than he should have.

As the years slowly passed, the boy would retreat into his mind during times spent with his uncle and forced himself to lock away those memories in a vault in the back of his mind. He eventually withdrew into himself, preferring to stick to himself and just watch the world progress around him. His parents grew worried about the change in behavior but any time they asked about it the boy wouldn't tell them anything. He feared telling them the truth after seeing the glances his uncle gave him each time his parents asked about the topic.

When his twin sisters were born, the boy did whatever his uncle asked so the man would stay away from them. The boy didn't want them to end up in the same situation as he was. He wouldn't even wish that kind of life upon his worst enemy. The sense of freedom the girls had as they grew older was something the boy envied after having felt like a caged animal ready to be used or beaten at any time. Even so, the boy cared highly about the two girls and wished to protect them from the cruelty of the world. What he wasn't expecting was how intelligent they were at such a young age. It was one of the few things the siblings all had in common.

He had come home from school one day to find a police car parked in his driveway. When he entered the house two police officers had his uncle handcuffed and pushed roughly down into the carpet of the floor. As soon as his mother laid eyes on him she rushed over and embraced him tightly against her with soft apologizes murmured through sobs that she could no longer contain. When he admitted to the officer what his uncle had done, they locked the man away behind bars. It turned out that his wonderful sisters had informed their mother of what had been going on with a video that they had taken of various events containing the boy and the uncle. The boy was extremely thankful for it all but nothing could change the past years of his life.

His parents had sent him to a therapist, even though it didn't seem to help the boy. Instead he had a habit of lashing out at her. He didn't want the stranger's help since the therapist only wanted his family's money. Knowing this, he took the opportunity to irritate her every time they had a session. As the years went by and he grew older the tricks he'd pull progressively worsened. He had discovered various ways to gather information and use it to his advantage in a conversation. It began his fascination of watching others and how they reacted in different situations.

Everything had been fine until one of the secrets he had leaked caused her therapist to kill herself. He hadn't expected such a reaction and it made guilt wash over him. It was his fault someone was dead and he was sure he ruined many other lives out of amusement as well. It was all too much for the teenager to handle. He couldn't tell his family the truth and watching his family work on finding another  _ stable _ therapist to speak with was far too much for him to handle. He packed a bag and left home in the middle of the night. He walked as far as he could while keeping to the shadows to avoid any policemen and be sent back home. At that time it was easier for him to run away than deal with everything, something that would stick with him through the years.

In an alleyway the raven haired teenager slid down the wall and sat on the cold concrete ground. For the first time since he could actually remember, he cried. They were silent tears but they poured out, as if all that had built up over years became a dam that finally crumbled to pieces. Everything seemed to flood his mind all at once; each and every memory he had fought so hard to forget. It all played out in front of him as if his past was some form of silent film. With the weight of recent events he was unsure how to proceed further. He couldn't stay here forever, it wasn't fair to his family what he put them through with all of his problems. The city held too many bad memories for the young boy to continue to handle without having another breakdown. For that night, however, he'd remain where he was; sleeping next to a dumpster.

When he awoke the boy was startled to see a group of larger boys standing over him. They moved back slightly, allowing him enough room to stand up. Shortly after he had gotten to his feet he felt his back collide roughly with the brick wall.

"We don't take kindly to others in our territory. I say we teach this punk a lesson." The largest of the group of boys spoke as he pressed a switchblade against the raven's cheek, leaving a small trail of blood dripping down her cheek. A long crazed laugh left the raven as he stood there and saw a few drops of blood splatter on his shirt.

"This guy has a screw loose," Another boy spoke as the laughter continued.

Shortly after those words were spoken, the raven took his own blade from his pocket and slashed the boy's hand that held the switchblade, causing it to fall to the ground. The raven held his blade pointed towards the group with a sinister smirk upon his lips.

"Never attack someone who has nothing to lose. Mostly one who knows their way around a blade."

The others were still staring in shock at how fast he moved. It didn't take long for them to run off, not bothering to look back. A sigh left the raven as he placed his blade away. He shouldered his bag and began the dreaded walk home. His parents would be worried when they discovered his bed empty. The sight he saw when he walked towards his house was not something he had been expecting. A police car was once again parked in his driveway and as soon as he opened the door he was swarmed by his family.

"Oh my God Izaya! Where have you been? We've been so worried! What happened to you?" His mother asked as she tilted his face so she could look at the cut along her son's cheek.

"I needed a walk," was all he said as a reply. He really didn't want to tell his mother the whole story. His mother would have freaked out even further and that wasn't something he wanted to deal with at that moment. It didn't matter though, because as soon as his mother's eyes turned to his bag he flinched at the intense gaze.

"Were you...going to run away?" His mother practically sobbed. He avoided her gaze and stared down at the floor, guilt suffocating him. He hadn't thought much about anything before he had left and now once again regretted his actions.

"Why Nii-san?" One of his sister's asked.

He couldn't look at any of them, even the officer as he excused himself. It was all too much and it took all his energy to remain standing. He couldn't handle all of their worried and confused gazes. All the pain he had been through he now seemed to be directing towards others, with his own family being on that list now. The guilt of all things he had done and the disappointment he felt every time he looked at his mother was overwhelming. She'd never be able to help her son after what her own brother had done to him, no one would. He was broken and would be for the rest of his miserable life.

Not long after that incident, his parents thought moving into a new environment would help, so the Orihara family moved to Ikebukuro. Izaya had been relieved at the move. It would be a fresh start that he desperately needed. He could be whoever he wanted in a city that his classmates didn't pity him or whisper about his life in the hallways. This way he could run away from all that while still having his family with him.

It didn't take him long to make a friend with a strange kid, Shinra Kishitani. He was an alright guy, just said and did some weird things. Izaya knew that almost as soon as he met the other boy that he'd follow in his father's footsteps to become a doctor. It was rather obvious with all of the knowledge he had already acquired about medicine and the human anatomy. Shinra was practically his opposite, which to him was a rather nice change. He was interesting and never asked about Izaya's past, allowing the raven to tell him if and when he wanted to. That alone was the best thing he could have asked for. Shinra had become his first and only true friend but that was perfectly okay with him. Izaya didn't have to try and be someone else around him and that was all he could have ever asked for out of a friend.

Even with the move and making an actually friend, Izaya couldn't help but continue his hobby of people watching, mostly with all the drama it entitled in his new home. He got a kick out of most of it and would ramble on about it to the doctor in training. It was then that his only friend gave him the unintentional push to pursue his hobby as a career, to gather information and leak it for a bit of cash here and there. He had never thought about it, even if Shinra had just been joking at the time.

When they both entered high school his life had changed once again. He had grown quite a bit and had become quite a handsome young man. His raven locks longer now with crimson eyes radiating mischief and intelligence far beyond his years. Instead of the lanky frail thing he used to be, Izaya now had a fair amount of muscle built up from one of his other hobbies. He became quite the looker, but with that came all the attention he would gather from his classmates, female and male alike. He had found it rather amusing but didn't think much of it otherwise. He became a bit of a heart breaker and used those attractions for his own benefit and amusement.

One day Shinra told the raven that he wanted him to meet after school down at the football field. There was a friend of his that he wanted Izaya to meet. What he hadn't been expecting was the beautiful blonde that he had heard many rumors about but never actually saw. He almost thought that the guy was some kind of myth with the way everyone seemed to speak of him but he never saw a trace of the blonde or what he had supposedly done. Izaya would never have believed those rumors until he witnessed the display in front of him. There standing on the football field was, who he could only assume was, the blonde he heard so much about. All around the other boy was about half the football team laid out on the field in various levels of consciousness, while one of the goals were flipped over on top of a bench. Izaya was so intrigued that he couldn't help but clap. If he had that kind of strength his past would have been a different than it had been, maybe even far more pleasant.

"You sure know how to make a scene Shizuo," Shinra called over to the blonde, gaining his attention. There was just a huff of a reply as the blonde made his way over to where Shinra was standing and Izaya was sitting.

"You took too long," the blonde finally said, his voice nearly enough alone to send a chill of pleasure down Izaya's spine.

"Well I would have been here sooner if I didn't have to wait for this slow poke over here," Shinra laughed and pointed toward the raven, causing Shizuo to finally look over in his direction. "This is the person I was talking about. Meet Izaya Orihara, he's not exactly a good guy but-"

"I'm truly hurt, I thought we were friends," Izaya cut off his friend in a teasing manner and nudged Shinra with his elbow from where he sat.

"Ow! I don't know, you're a mean guy."

"That's never stopped you from pestering your way into my life before."

"You piss me off," Shizuo spoke as he glared at Izaya. That wasn't something that he had expected.

"Shizuo," Shinra began to defend before he was cut off again.

"That's too bad, I think we could have been fast friends," Izaya told him with a small smirk on his face. He hadn't done anything to warrant the reaction but saw no way to really change the blonde's mind, nor did he care enough to do so. He wasn't going to act a certain way just so some guy would want to be his friend; although, he was definitely disappointed.

He saw the muscle in the blonde's arm twitch before Shizuo launched himself at him, swinging a fist that Izaya was sure the blonde expected to make contact with flesh. Since Izaya had seen it coming he had moved out of the way with ease before slicing a cut against the blonde's chest. This would mark the beginning of their long game of cat and mouse. He would set out to harass the monster of Ikebukuro, never enough to get him killed or locked up for good, even if the words he spoke often said otherwise. He did just enough to get a reaction out of the other. Izaya found Shizuo Heiwajima fascinating and wanted to keep him around. There was a lot about the blonde that he didn't know and was so unpredictable that Izaya just couldn't keep himself away.

They often got into trouble at school, which Izaya actually tried to avoid. He didn't like the looks and talks he received from his parents when they school would call them. There was no way he could explain to them what happened between Shizuo and himself. Hell, he couldn't come up with an explanation himself. He was never sure what made the blonde hate him so much. It was one of the few things he figured he'd never know.

During one of their chases through the streets a truck had come speeding along and had hit Shizuo, who hadn't been paying attention. Izaya's heart nearly stopped. He hadn't actually planned for that to happen no matter how much it appeared otherwise, mostly when he made it across the street without any problems. He nearly rushed to the blonde's side but once he began to move, Izaya had thought better of it. He was surprised how quickly the blonde got to his feet. It was almost like he was invincible, a quality the raven wished he possessed.

When he had gone home that night he was met with his parents' worried faces. They remained silent until the whole family sat within the living room. "What's going on?" Izaya had asked, not sure if he actually wanted to know the answer.

"Honey," His mother began and the tone of voice made Izaya positive he was not going to like what was said next. "We received a phone call earlier from the Penitentiary."

Before his mother even continued, the raven could feel fear begin to constrict his chest as his heart beat furiously against his rib cage. "Izaya, your uncle escaped earlier this afternoon and they haven't caught him yet." His father had spoken the words that he had been dreading. It almost felt like he had been suffocating as panic overwhelmed him and his thoughts ran wild. Would the man come looking for him? His face grew pale at the thought. He had started his life over without having to think about that man, believing he would spend the rest of his life behind bars for all of his crimes.

"I-I'm going to go to b-bed." Izaya told his parents as he stood up, not wanting to sit down in the living room any longer. He noticed the worried expressions of his parents before he went up the stairs and to his room.

As his thoughts continued to smother him, he curled into himself and pulled his blanket tightly to his chest. He stared out the window as headlights lit up his room before the shadows moving along his wall returned to darkness once more. That night no sleep came to him.

Days went by slowly for the raven, who now looked over his shoulder every time he was alone. He tried to stay with someone he knew, out of fear, any time he was not within his own home. Dark rings had formed under his eyes from the restless nights and his skin had become ashen compared to his usual ivory skin. He looked as terrible as he felt but he had grown more aware of his surroundings as he kept a façade that he was fine. He had even refrained from bothering Shizuo. That alerted Shinra that there had definitely been something wrong with his friend. Izaya wouldn't talk about it though. He never wanted his new life to come in contact with his past and explaining such to Shinra would allow the two parts of his life to collide. Besides, he didn't want his only friend to know about his past, and to his relief, Shinra never pushed it. He said he'd be there if Izaya ever wanted to talk about it and left the topic at that.

Izaya had begun to walk home when Shizuo finally approached him, sending the duo into another chase. The raven hadn't expected to be forcefully into an alleyway and thrust harshly against the hard brick well as he had been running. When he caught his breath and looked into the angry eyes of his uncle, he felt the world dissolve beneath his feet and all around him. He could barely hear Shizuo's shouts echoing through the city any more.

"It's been a long time," A hand brushed his face. It took all his control to keep his bile down in that moment. "I've been watching you run around with that blonde boy. You should no better than that." A hard slap connected with Izaya's cheek. "You know I don't like to share."

"Fuck you," Izaya spat, earning him a knee to the gut.

"Such a dirty mouth. Did you get that from blondie? Or maybe it was that nerd with glasses?" Izaya growled at this. No one was allowed to insult a friend of his and he was the only one allowed to speak about Shizuo in such a tone, mostly since he never had with such malice.

"It's none of your damn business! Go fuck yourself!"

"Done plenty of that. Thought I'd have some fun with you like old times. I think it'll be more fun now that you've grown into such a handsome young man." With that said he felt a hand grope him and he felt completely sick. He thought this was all over with, that he wouldn't have to deal with it anymore.

"Please...stop," He pleaded in a whimper as he felt his eyes tear up. A sickening laugh and a cold hand roaming up his shirt was his only response to his plea. He didn't like the creeping feeling that his uncle's hand left on his skin, as if every cell in his body was trying to flee from the larger man.

Izaya was completely frozen in fear, unable to move or defend himself as he stood trapped by the one thing he had feared most in the world. He'd have to relive his worst memories and nightmares all over again. A pained whimper left his lips as he felt that hand that had been groping him only seconds earlier, slip down the front of his pants and continue the same movements that made the raven cower into himself. When he heard the sound of a belt buckle being undone he knew there was no stopping what was to come.

What he hadn't been expecting was that an angry blonde would find him in that moment. "Get off him!" Shizuo shouted.

The distraction gave Izaya enough time and courage to pull out his switchblade and force it into the chest in front of him. He didn't even notice the surprised expression on his uncle's face as he knocked the man to the ground and repeatedly forced his blade down. The raven didn't stop until Shizuo pulled him and and towards his chest. Izaya was once again frozen, letting out tears he hadn't realized started to spill and mix with the blood that had splattered on his face. He just stood there as Shizuo held him and called the police. His uncle was dead and he was not charged with murder due to it being self defense, the police being well aware about his uncle's background and the situation.

This was the second person who was dead thanks to him, no matter if this one had deserved it. With his own hands and blade he had ended someone's life. Not only that, now someone other than family knew about his past and it just had to have been Shizuo.

His whole body started to shake as he stared down at his blood covered hands with an empty expression. He hadn't even noticed Shizuo moving away from him to speak with one of the police officers. Izaya only looked away from his hands when his uncle's body was placed in a body bag and wheeled away. He could barely comprehend when his parents finally showed up or the questions that were directed at him. Somehow, he managed to answer enough of them for the police to allow him to return home.

Izaya couldn't remember the last time he had taken such a long shower or scrubbed his skin as roughly as he had that night. All Izaya wanted was to forget that day had even happened but that wouldn't ever happen. It would be placed with all of his other memories he desperately tried to forget.

The next several weeks up until graduation, Shizuo had tried to speak with Izaya about the incident. The officers had, to the the raven's frantic protests, explained the situation with his uncle to the blonde. Izaya did not want to speak of it and would in turn change the subject, resulting in their usual tension. He could tell Shizuo started to hold back on their usual escapades but he didn't care. Their game grew to resemble more of an act, one that they were just going through the motions with. It was no longer real but even so they were almost always the highlight of Izaya's day. Something to remind him that he was in fact still alive and not the dull lifeless being he felt like he was some days.

Once Izaya moved to Shinjuku, he took some time to himself. He became an official Information Broker, selling information to anyone willing to pay a hefty price for it. He was good at what he did, the best in area, maybe even in all of Japan. Watching and studying others since he was young had actually paid off. He had his ways of gathering information and knowing nearly everything about everyone in Shinjuku and Ikebukuro made him a rather dangerous man. His skills with a blade and parkour were an added bonus. His ability to stand back up, let alone run away, after having rather large objects thrown at him by Shizuo Heiwajima aback in the day added to the list of reasons why people never crossed him.

When he returned to his beloved city he was greeted shortly by his only friend Shinra and the love of his life Celty, whom Izaya was rather fascinated with since the two had been introduced. Ikebukuro had seemed to be the center of bizarre things. There was never a dull moment, even if Izaya had instigated some of the drama. He loved the city, but it also stirred up unwanted memories. At least he was there with a friend. Stepping foot back there for the first time in several years by himself would have been a whole different story.

What he hadn't expected, having been planning just to visit Shinra, was the sight of Shizuo. It had only been a few years but he could still remember the expression that had crossed the face of his so called "enemy" when he had learned Izaya's darkest secret. Not knowing what to do after seeing the surprise on the blonde's face, Izaya did the only thing he could think of; he ran. Even with the sound of his name being called out to him, he never stopped. He couldn't deal with it at that moment and until the raven was positive he had lost Shizuo he kept running. He would have to call and apologize to Shinra later.

When he finally did stop, he felt his stomach twist tightly at where he found himself. Blood still stained the pavement as a cruel reminder of what he had done. All the guilt from his past rushed his mind at once. It all was too much, bringing the informant to his knees. No matter how hard he tried or how fast he ran he would never be able to escape his past. It would forever haunt him and now matter how hard he tried there was no escaping it. He would always feel the disgust and disappointment with himself when he looked into a mirror every day. Nothing would ever change that and it was the burden he would be forced to bare until the day he died.


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edit: Finished going through this chapter. Mostly, just fixed some phrasing and errors.

The loud sound of music pulsed throughout the club in time with the various colored lights that danced off the walls and gave off the only real light in the entire room. Bodies littered the dance floor as everyone pressed together in various methods of dancing, not caring if they knew the person they were dance with or not. It was all familiar to the raven haired informant. He found himself sitting at the bar every night, allowing the drinks to tell him it was alright not to think any longer.

The bartender even knew exactly what he wanted each night, that was how frequent his visits had become. By the time he was cut off each night he been highly intoxicated and usually had to have someone call him a cab. His depression had set it's dirty claws in his skin once again and had no desire to let up. The alcohol helped numb the feeling of drowning in a dark sea of nothingness and his self loathing. It didn't always help in the way that the raven needed but it was enough to allow him to feel less miserable.

Ever since the first day he had returned to Ikebukuro, Izaya had kept returning to the city nearly every day. He had even caught the interest of a handsome man that he had ended up dating for a while. It turned out the man had been a lot like her uncle and even part of the mafia, so the informant quickly ended it, even though the damage had already been dealt. It had almost been easy enough for him to avoid the pain it caused him with how the relationship made him feel needed again. It had dulled some of the mental anguish he put himself through, at least until the physical pain became too much. Izaya thought that maybe it was why he hit on nearly everyone who walked into the bar. It was unhealthy, but at least for a short amount of time it made him feel better about himself. It kept his mind on better things and kept his constant pessimism at bay.

When he saw a pretty blonde woman looking his way seductively, he grinned before moving towards her. As he sat down on the stool next to the woman he couldn't help be drawn to her deep brown eyes. His stomach churned at the comparison his mind had instantly created. It might have been for that reason or that the woman was just attractive, but he soon found himself along one of the hallways with his tongue practically down the woman's throat. It would have been fine with him, letting his imagination take over, if it hadn't been for a member of the Yellow Scarves noticing that the informant was making out with his girlfriend.

It wasn't long until he felt the pull of his shirt collar as he was lifted from the ground. Of course the man wanted to pick a fight after that display and seeing the smug look that was bound to be plastered across his face, even with knowing who the raven was. Izaya was far too gone for that fact to matter to anyone and that gave the gang member good enough motivation to kick his ass.

He felt the first punch connect with his jaw that was followed shortly by a few to his ribs. There wasn't much more than a dull ache but it was sure to be more painful the next morning. Only a few more punches connected with his body before they suddenly stopped altogether and he fell to the floor ungracefully. There were distant noises ringing in his ears but it was almost impossible to make out anything in that moment. When he felt someone gently pull him off the ground, Izaya slowly opened his eyes to be met with an intense brown eyed gaze. Not a word was spoke as he stared at the other man in front of him. Of course it had to have been Shizuo that came to his rescue. The blonde didn't have time to say anything because just as he opened his mouth to speak the police had made their way inside and over to him.

“Not again Mr. Orihara,” The officer spoke in a disappointed tone.

“Not my fault... I didn't hit myself,” Izaya slurred before laughing. “How many times am I going to get into trouble with you? You seem to always be the one that shows up when I'm involved.”

“I'm here to keep you out of trouble.” The officer said as he pinched the bridge of his nose. “You should call a cab and head home.”

“Will do officer!” Izaya sloppily saluted before the man left. His attention was then brought back to the blonde that currently kept him standing on his feet and not faceplanting into the floor.

“Izaya-”

“Please don't. Don't wanna talk.”

“Let me at least call you a cab. You look like shit.”

“Fine, whatever. I was going to go home soon anyway,” He waved her hand in dismissal.

The wait for the cab in the chilled night air felt like time was at a standstill. Izaya was seated on the curb, picking at the bottom of his shirt in an uncomfortable manner. Shizuo made him feel uneasy as the blonde just stood there with a cigarette to his lips. The gaze that was settled on the raven made him squirm as his stomach continued to churn with nerves like some stupid child. The raven didn't like the situation in the slightest.

“How long?” Izaya's gaze turned to Shizuo as the sudden words filled the silence between them.

“How long what?”

“Have you been doing this?” He motioned to the club behind them, never taking his gaze off the informant.

“Awhile,” He admitted; although, he didn't want to tell the blonde that he had been drinking heavily since they had run into one another again.

A sigh escaped the blonde's lips just as the cab pulled up to them. Izaya could tell that Shizuo wanted to say more but was thankful for the cab driver's impeccable timing, not wanting to know what else was running through the other man's mind.

Izaya managed to climb in the backseat himself and give the driver his address without hurting himself or having made a fool out of himself. As the cab pulled away, Izaya saw an unfamiliar look on Shizuo's face that he couldn't quite place. His mind was not in the correct state to figure it out either.

When he had stumbled into his apartment, missing several times when he tried to place the key in the lock, he quickly changed his clothes and flopped down on his mattress. He thought about that unknown expression again but decided to try figuring out in the morning as sleep took a hold and pulled him into a dreamless night.

-

When morning actually came, the night was forgotten as Izaya leaned over the toilet bowl and hurled his guts into the porcelain. His entire body ached from both the terrible hangover and the punches he had received the night before. It was something he had been used to, but his body hated it just the same. It was his body's way of punishing him from his dumb mistake each day.

He let his head fall back against the cool bathroom wall as his eyes slipped shut to avoid looking at the artificial light that was illuminating the room. Izaya desperately tried to push back the pain his body was causing him as well as all the bad memories that were brought to the front of his sober mind. It honestly was a wonder that his own methods of silencing his mind and solving his problems hadn't gotten himself killed as of yet.

A Sudden shrill ring filled the silent apartment and Izaya instantly wanted to murder whoever decided that particular moment was the best time to call him. After he pulled his phone from his pocket he groaned in both irritation and agony as he saw Shinra's name across the screen.

“What Shinra?” He nearly growled lowly into the phone as he dragged out his friend's name.

“Good morning to you too. I heard you had quite an evening last night. Just wanted to call and make sure you were alright.”

Izaya could feel his eyebrow twitch in irritation. Of course Shinra would call him after knowing he had a hangover. He had such a wonderful friend. As his thoughts finally caught up with him, he froze. Shinra had known what happened last night? There was only one person he knew that could have told the doctor anything other than himself and he obviously wouldn't have done that. The very thought that the idiotic blonde had spoke anything about last night made the organ in his chest beat harshly against his rib cage.

“Who told you about last night?” He asked softly, wanting to verify what he already knew.

“Um... well you see... about that-”

“Shinra answer the damn question!”

“Shizuo, alright? He was worried.” Shinra started, rambling on but Izaya was no longer listening. He couldn't have heard that correctly. Why would Shizuo be worried about him? Stupid unpredictable brute. He never understood the blonde. Why couldn't he just leave him alone? Shizuo already knew more about him than the informant would like and now here he was again, butting into parts of his life that he didn't want to share with anyone.

“Izaya are you there?” Shinra's voice pulled him from his thoughts.

“Yeah... I have to go. Have a lot of work to do. I'll talk to you later,” before Joseph could protest he hung up. It would be a very long day at the rate it was going.

-

It had in fact been a terribly long day for the informant. Izaya had many clients requesting various information from him all the while his mind continued to pester him with thoughts he had no desire dealing with. That was why he, once again, found himself within his favorite club to enjoy the rest of his night. He found his usual seat at the bar and was welcomed with his usual drink. He downed it quickly and felt the slight burn in the back of his throat. It didn't take long for him to down another but couldn't help but notice someone sit down next to him out of the corner of his eye. He really hadn't expected the presence of another, so when he turned his gaze to the man that plagued his thoughts all day he was a bit startled by the fact that he was there.

“What are you doing Shizu-chan?” He asked accusingly. His breath hitched slightly when those brown orbs he liked so much looked at him with such a softness that he wasn't used to being directed towards him. At least not in quite some time.

“Though you might want the company.”

“Really now? Why would I want that? Maybe I'd rather be alone,” Izaya let out a strained laugh before finishing yet another drink, while his gaze remained on the blonde.

“If that was true then you wouldn't continue trying to seduce everyone who sits at the bar.”

“Stupid Shizu-chan,” Izaya muttered softly into his glass, “Butting in where he's not wanted.”

That was the last the two had spoken to one another for the rest of that night. With Shizuo being there it had made things rather uncomfortable for the raven, but instead paying the blonde any attention, Izaya chose to ignore him. When the bartender cut Izaya off from any more drinks, he stumbled out of the club after avoiding pissing anyone off for the night. It didn't take long for his gaze to drift towards the blonde who had a cigarette between his lips as he leaned on a cab with his arms crossed over his chest. The informant almost wanted to glare, knowing for a fact that the other man had called the cab for him.

“What do you think you are doing?” He spat drunkenly as he marched over to the blonde.

“What does it look like? Called you a cab,” Shizuo told him as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

“I don't understand! We are enemies that hate each other! You're not supposed to be helping me. Not that I want the help anyway!” He spat angrily.

Shizuo put out his cigarette and looked up at him with that strange expression that he couldn't decipher, but that could have been because he always seemed to be intoxicated at the time. Izaya could read people as well as he could read a book but Shizuo had always been the exception, even sober. He had never quite known what was running through the blonde's mind or how he felt. All he had ever been able to tell was when Shizuo was angry, but anyone could easily distinguish that. It frustrated him more than he cared to admit, not that he ever would out loud.

Mumbling angrily to himself, he pushed past Shizuo and climbed into the backseat. He had no desire to speak with the other at that moment and, to his relief, the blonde didn't try to as he moved over to the sidewalk. His eyes locked with Shizuo's for a moment before he quickly looked away. He only looked back again once he was sure the other couldn't see him. A sigh left the raven's lips as Shizuo remained standing in the same spot watching the retreating cab with yet another cigarette between his lips.

“Stupid...” Izaya muttered to himself before he turned and waited to be taken back to his apartment. The image of Shizuo's strange expression still on his mind until he finally laid down to sleep.

For the next few weeks the same routine played throughout Izaya's evenings. He'd show up at the club, sit at the bar and then shortly be joined by Shizuo. They wouldn't typically speak to one another for most of the night and when they did the conversation didn't consist of much. Shizuo would then call the raven a cab and he would go home. It was strange and Izaya grew more suspicious of the reason that lead the blonde there and to sit next to him every night. Was it to watch over him? To prevent anyone, other than Shizuo himself from kicking his ass?

Izaya stopped midway in the motion of bringing his latest glass to his lips before he dropped it on the counter, spilling the remains and most likely cracking the glass. His eyes widen as his gaze turned to the blonde next to him as the realization hit him. The only reason he was there had been due to the fateful day, what felt like forever ago. His actions were all because he witnessed something he shouldn't have. What was the idiot thinking? It didn't change anything back then and it sure as hell didn't now. Either way, he couldn't handle being there any longer as anxiety began to dig its claws into him.

“Send me a bill,” He told the bartender before he quickly stood up and rushed out of the building, desperate to put distance between him and Shizuo.

The cold autumn air was harsh as it hit him and nearly knocked out the little amount of his own air that he held in his lungs. His breathing became uneven as his eyes darted around in a panic. The swift movement of both his exit and rush to find an escape made his head spin as the alcohol in his system came into effect. It made him nauseous and unsteady on his feet but he ignored it, his own fear outweighing anything else at that moment.

At the sound of his name he saw the tall blonde try and make his way over toward him. Izaya felt the panic rush through him at full force and the need to get away had him quickly taking off in a run. His speed and movement were hindered greatly by the alcohol but he didn't care as long as he remained in front of Shizuo. The brute seemed to notice the change since he had easily caught up. This caused the raven to push harder to get away, not ready for the confrontation that was bound to happen.

It wasn't until headlights filled his vision and the blaring of a horn rang loudly in his ears that Izaya had ceased his movements, completely frozen in terror. Although it was only a few seconds, that moment felt like it was moving in slow motion as he stared into the headlights that he was sure would collide with his body. Sure he had taken some hits before but at the speed the car was traveling Izaya wasn't sure he would still be breathing after the car hit him.

Right before the oncoming car could actually collide with his body and end his life, a strong hand grabbed his arm and nearly threw him on the sidewalk. As Izaya opened his eyes, that he hadn't realized had closed, he saw Shizuo towering over him. A hand was offered to help him up, which Izaya eyed warily. There was a hesitation before he slowly took the offered hand. The informant decided that he likely wouldn't have been able to bring himself to his feet, which was proven to be correct with how unstable he felt when he was standing again.

Izaya just stared at Shizuo, not happy that the blonde had actually caught up to him, while also trying to wrap his head around the fact that he was still alive and breathing and not roadkill. It seemed the brute held the record for saving his life countless times for no apparent reason. The raven turned around and began to walk away from the blonde that had saved his life but a hand quickly grabbed his arm, causing him to flinch.

“Wait,” Shizuo muttered, almost sounding desperate to the informant.

“Why? What do you want from me?” Izaya spoke softly as he turned back around and stared helplessly, knowing he couldn't run away again. Shizuo was silent for a moment and the raven thought the man wouldn't say anything at all. That was when that damn look appeared on his face again.

“The truth.”

“About what?” It was safe to say that he knew what Shizuo wanted to know but it didn't change the fact that he would rather avoid topic as best as she could manage in his current state.

“Everything. Why you're nearly drinking yourself to death every night? Why you've avoided me like the plague?” There was a small pause before he took a breath and spoke words that Izaya had wished never left the man's mouth. “What happened in that alley?”

“You were there Shizu-chan. You know what happened.” His gaze was cast down as he spoke with such a broken voice that it would have made the optimistic Shinra Kishitani cringe. The feeling of suffocating was slowly enveloping him the longer he stood there. This was what he had wanted to avoid all along.

“No, I don't. I saw the end of it and only know what the officers told me, which wasn't much.”

“That's all you need to know.” And that's already too much. He thought to himself.

“Does Shinra even know?”

“No and I'd like to keep it that way.” He knew that it was only a matter of time before her friend found out about her past but the longer he didn't the better. Izaya didn't need the pity that he was sure to gain from such information being found out.

“Is he the reason you're doing this to yourself?”

Izaya avoided the blonde's gaze as the unwanted topic refused to be left alone. Shizuo just didn't seem to want to drop the subject no matter how obvious it was that he didn't want to talk about it. Just the mere thought of that day and all the other memories that involved his uncle made his stomach twist painfully and his head to spin even further. The man no longer was alive but somehow still continued to haunt the raven with all the terrible memories he had left behind.

“I'm not doing anything, now please leave me alone.” Izaya inhaled sharply as he realized what he had just said. He was nearly begging Shizuo to drop the subject. The only time he ever begged or pleaded in his life was with the bastard who he ruined his life. Shizuo was the last person Izaya had ever expected to plead with.

“Yes you are. Do you not realize that this is going to get you killed? You almost got hit by a fucking car moments ago! We're all worried about you. I'm worried about you.” The last words Izaya barely heard with how soft they were muttered, but he had managed to catch them nonetheless.

“Why would you be worried about me? You're supposed to hate me. I'm just a flea to you remember?” He muttered, not able to think clearly enough for his liking.

“I don't hate you Izaya. Never actually did. Sure you aggravate me but I never really gave you a chance back then. I saw you as a threat and the fact that I could never catch or lay a finger on you during our chases made me angry.”

Izaya almost felt like this was some sick joke that life decided to pull. That had to have been it, this was some horrible joke and he missed the punchline. It was the only option that made any sense at that moment and he was not drunk enough to deal with any of it. Not wanting to there any longer he once again turned to walk away but Shizuo swiftly moved in front of him.

“Shizuo, get out of my way.” He commanded, still trying to get around the blonde.

“Not until you talk to me.”

“Why should I? My life is none of your damn business!” Izaya spat angrily. He was getting tired of this and just wanted to go home.

“God damn it flea! I care about you alright!” Shizuo yelled in frustration, causing everyone in the area to look at the pair.

“Wh-what?” Izaya choked out, his eyes a bit wide in surprise.

“You heard me damn it. Don't make me repeat myself,” Shizuo nearly growled.

“You never fail to surprise me.” He said as he rubbed his temple, willing his head to stop spinning, even if he was sure the action wouldn't help at all.

“So will you please talk to me?” Shizuo tried again. Izaya sighed knowing Shizuo wasn't about to drop the subject no matter how hard he tried to get him to and the informant really didn't want to stand there all night, mostly with the various eyes now trained upon them. It made him even more uneasy.

“Fine, but not here. Take me home and I'll tell you whatever you want to know.” Izaya spoke in defeat. He had invited the brute into his home. Hopefully the decision wouldn't come back to bite him in the end. Either way, by the end of the night the blonde would know secrets that Izaya had never shared with anyone and there was no getting out of it this time.


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank all of those who have liked or commented on this story so far. It means a lot to me that you like it. I'd love to hear from more of you. It makes my day every time I get an email from someone reviewing. Thank you all so much. Parts of this are filled with angst but the next chapter will be a lighter one. If you have any comments or suggestions I'd love to hear them. Hope you all enjoy!
> 
> Edit: Added and changed some things in this chapter but nothing overly drastic. Also fixed some errors I noticed. Hopefully I caught everything but if not just let me know. I am only one person after all. Thanks!

The ride back to Izaya's apartment was filled with an awkward silence. To say the informant was uncomfortable, with the current situation he found himself in, would have been an extreme understatement. All the glances he kept receiving from Shizuo made his stomach churn in a nervous manner and he just wished the blonde would stop looking at him. Sitting there in silence made it more obvious to Izaya how much he had sobered up since he almost got hit by that car. His head was still rather fuzzy but he could think more clearly than was possible earlier that night; although, he wasn't sure that it was all that great

His mind was reeling as he tried to process the events of that evening. Shizuo hadn't actually hated him, which made more sense as to why the blonde hadn't killed him with how many opportunities there had been to end the informant's life through the years. Izaya still felt that there was more the blonde wasn't tell him. If Izaya had his way then he'd find out by the end of the night just what Shizuo was hiding. If he was going to discuss a topic he had no desire to speak about then he would force the blonde to do the same.

A feeling of dread washed over the raven as the cab pulled up to his apartment building. He had told Shizuo that he'd answer any questions the other had and now that he was outside of his own home he highly regretted those words. He'd have to stir up memories from the past that he had fought so hard to forget. To tell Shizuo all his secrets made him feel vulnerable and that wasn't a feeling he liked or cared to get used to.

After paying the cab driver, Izaya slowly lead Shizuo inside the building and over to the elevator. They waited there in silence for a few moments before the doors slid open on the correct floor and Izaya slipped out. As he approached his door and pulled out his keys, the knowledge that there was no longer any way to back out now that the blonde knew where he lived made each step ring in the informant's ears. Izaya was sure if he rushed into his apartment to avoid the conversation then the blonde would just break down his door and demand that Izaya spoke to him. The blonde had already gone through all the trouble that Izaya knew he could no longer deny the man some answers, no matter how much he wished there was a way to get out of it.

A sigh left his lips as he turned the key in the lock and pushed the door open. He hoped that Shizuo hadn't noticed how much his hand had already been shaking. If he had noticed, thankfully, he hadn't said anything about it. Once they were both inside, Izaya closed and locked the door.

"Feel free to take a seat," He motioned towards the couch as he slipped off his shoes and jacket.

Shizuo didn't say anything, just looked around before he sat down in a chair that was across from the couch. Izaya sat down on said couch and glanced over at the blonde. It appeared that Shizuo was nervous but he couldn't see why. The blonde wasn't about to spill all of his well kept secrets so he no reason to be nervous. The only logical reason the informant could come up with was that they currently sat in his apartment, unfamiliar territory to the blonde. It wasn't as if he planned on trapping him there, not that he could anyway. Shizuo could leave whenever he wanted, even if he broke through the wall in order to do so. Not that Izaya wanted that to happen since he paid enough for the luxurious apartment as it was. He didn't need another expense due to the brute not knowing how to use a door.

"Alright, what do you want to know," Izaya finally asked, flicking his gaze over to the blonde in front of him.

Shizuo just stared at him for a moment before he finally opened his mouth. "Why have you been drinking every night?"

"Easy. To forget. To stop thinking in the first place." Izaya was glad he hadn't jumped head first into more dreaded questions that were sure to come.

"There are healthier ways of dealing with your problems. This behavior is going to get you killed. Take tonight for example."

"I'm aware of that. It's just the only thing that helps. I tried healthier means back in high school and look where that lead me." Izaya told him.

The informant was well aware he had plenty of enemies that would love to see him dead. Being completely plastered every night was practically an open invitation to do just that, mostly when he wouldn't stand a chance against anyone in that state. Hell, he almost met his demise by a car earlier that night, like Shizuo mentioned. It was probably a bad idea to get so intoxicated out in public with so many people trying to take him down but at home there was no one there to cut him off when he drank way past his limit.

"Why did you avoid me after...that incident? Every time I saw you in the halls you'd quickly run off." Shizuo asked with that unfamiliar expression once again and it almost looked like there was something else the blonde wanted to say but didn't voice it.

"I knew you'd want to talk about what happened and I didn't."

"Did anyone else know?"

"Other than my family? No," Izaya told him as his fingers toyed with the bottom of his shirt. "I tried to keep it that way. I wanted to start over without having to think about all of that, but obviously that didn't work out for me."

There was a pause as, the informant figured, Shizuo thought about what his next question would be. He watched the blonde as his fist clenched tightly before it unclenched again and repeated the action several times. He knew that sign. Shizuo was frustrated about something, possibly even angry. The raven wasn't sure how to interpret it either since the blonde remained silent. If the monster destroyed his apartment in a violent rage there would be hell to pay. It took him a great deal of effort to keep his only refuge safe and in tact. He had the finances to fix it but he would rather not waste it on something that could be avoided.

"What had he done before I showed up?" Shizuo's jaw was tense as he spoke. Izaya was pretty sure if it hadn't been for the massive dairy intake, the blonde would have broken his own jaw in that moment. Izaya remained silent for a moment as he thought about exactly he wanted to tell the other man. He decided to settle for a half truth.

"Just a bit of abuse to my face and stomach and some inappropriate touching," His tone made it sound like a common occurrence, which during his childhood it had been. The memories still haunted him and he had been grateful that Shizuo had shown up when he had that day. "If you hadn't shown up who knows what else would have happened?"

Izaya had a pretty good idea what would have happened and he was sure Shizuo did as well. The anger was almost radiating off the other man now. "How long?" Was asked through gritted teeth, almost sounding something between a growl and snarl.

"How long what? You need to be more specific Shizu-chan."

"How long had that bastard been doing that shit to you?"

Izaya was a bit taken back by the spiteful outburst of anger that the question brought out of the blonde. Had Shizuo actually cared that much about his well being? At least to the point the information bothered him that much. He knew that anyone would be disgusted with this knowledge but the blonde's expression alone was beyond disgust. Izaya believed if the bastard had still been alive then Shizuo would have likely killed him, himself, with the way his anger was flaring so quickly. It would have been an amusing even to witness and Izaya would have liked to see it more than he'd like to admit.

"Since I was a kid. Couldn't tell you the age," He nearly whispered his answer to the question he had been asked. "They sent him to prison thanks to my sisters but he broke out a few weeks, I believe, before the incident in the alley."

Izaya felt his heart race and throat constrict as he re-accounted unwanted memories. He didn't know why his words seemed to flow out of his mouth so easily, telling Shizuo nearly everything that he could remember about what had happened to him in the alley. He wondered if he had spoken to anyone else about his past if it would have been more difficult to speak. Hell, his numerous therapists couldn't even get a word out of him. They didn't seem to actually care though, unlike the blonde in front of him. Those brown eyes that Izaya adored were swimming with various emotions that made it difficult for him to pinpoint a single one.

"God damn it! How could someone do that to a child? You never deserved that. I'm so sorry..." Shizuo spoke in a low tone that Izaya had never heard him use before, at least not around him.

"Nothing you could have do so there's no need to apologize to me. I really don't need your pity. I didn't even know you until high school and that hadn't gone over that well."

Shizuo hung his head in, what Izaya believed to be, guilt. Even if they had become friends it wouldn't have likely changed anything. If anything it would have likely made matters worse since the blonde wouldn't have been chasing after him. Izaya would have been left completely alone in that alley. The very thought sent a sickening chill down his spine.

"I-I never thanked you for showing up that day, though I never thought I would." Izaya rubbed the back of his neck nervously. "I appreciate it. Thank you."

"Wish I could have gotten there sooner."

"That doesn't matter. You showed up before..." Izaya's voice cracked, unable to voice what would have happened if the blonde hadn't shown up when he did. He hadn't noticed that Shizuo stood up from the chair until the couch dipped down beside him from the sudden weight. His gaze moved to Shizuo to see the blonde facing him with those beautiful chocolate hues that nearly left Izaya breathless at the proximity.

"Izaya, had things ever gone farther before he was locked away?" Shizuo's voice was gentle and laced with concern. The mere sound of it made his heartbeat pound rapidly in his chest. The raven turned his gaze away from the blonde, not able to look at him with what he was about to say.

"Yes, it had," Izaya began, feeling his body begin to shake. "Everything had started out with just helping him with his robberies, creating a distraction or fitting in areas only a small child my size could fit into. Any time I would tell him I didn't want to help anymore he'd beat me. Any time it was somewhere my parents could see he'd come up with some excuse for it."

"They never caught on? Shizuo asked unable to believe what he was being told. Izaya didn't blame him. He had wondered the same when he was a kid.

"My uncle was a fantastic liar. He probably could convince you that your whole existence was not real and you were actually trapped in some sort of lab while being tested on, if he wanted to. I guess that was the one trait I had gotten from him."

"You'll never be like him Izaya."

"I really want to believe that," Izaya sighed before he continued, "Eventually that hadn't been enough for him. He took a special interest in me. First it was only touches that then lead to groping. That hadn't even been enough. He... he made me do things to him... and would have his way with me whenever he could. He threatened if I spoke a word about any of it then he would kill me and move on to my sisters."

By the end of his confession he had tears pouring down his face. The memories had been too much and even if he hated showing how weak and vulnerable he really was, he couldn't keep the tears from falling. What he hadn't expected was Shizuo to wrap his arms around him and pull him to his chest. At that moment Izaya could no longer keep anything back and heavy sobs wrecked his body. It was all too much to hold back any longer and he hated that someone was there to witness him finally breaking down.

"I-I still have nightmares of him," Izaya sobbed into Shizuo's chest. It didn't seem the blonde cared that Izaya was dirtying his shirt since he didn't say anything about it and instead held the raven tighter. "He's dead and somehow still manages to ruin my life."

"He can't hurt you anymore," Shizuo's voice was soft and soothing as he rubbed the raven's back to try and calm him. It slowly begun to work as time went by and soon enough Izaya's body stopped shaking so badly when he cried. Shizuo's embrace had felt warm and comforting, something Izaya had needed for a long time. There was even a sense of protectiveness, like nothing could ever hurt him again as long as Shizuo was there.

"Thank you," Izaya mumbled as he loosened his hold on the clothing in front of him.

"For what?" Shizuo asked as Izaya leaned back and looked up at him with tear stained eyes.

"For being here, for actually listening and seeming like you actually give a damn. It means more than you could ever know," Izaya explained as he saw that look once again. Seeing it so close he finally recognized what was hidden in that gaze, love. It made his heart swarm and stomach flutter. "When you said you cared about me back there did you mean..." He trailed off, unable to finish his sentence out of a slight fear that he could have been completely wrong about what he thought he saw.

"What would you say if I told you I did?"

There was a moment of silence before Izaya's lips pulled into a small genuine smile, something he hadn't done in a long time. Before he said anything he leaned up and placed a chaste kiss on Shizuo's lips. "I'd say I have been dying to do that since we met."

They both laughed lightly at the confession. It was a rather strange string of events that had occurred that night. Izaya had spilled his guts to his former enemy and now there he was, wrapped in the blonde's arms. He never thought he'd ever get to be situated like this or actually get to kiss the other. Izaya wondered how many could say they've gotten to kiss Shizuo Heiwajima or even get to be embraced by those strong arms? He doubted all that many had, with the few people Shizuo seemed to let get close to him. The idea that Izaya might have been the only one made his heart race once again.

"Shizuo?" Izaya's voice was soft and unsure if he wanted to speak about thoughts that plagued his mind once again.

"What is it?"

"What would you have done in that alley if I hadn't..." Izaya paused as the memory played in his mind, "killed him?"

Shizuo seemed taken back by the question, which Izaya couldn't blame him since it was a bit out of the blue. His mind just wouldn't leave it alone. He needed to know. If he hadn't snapped what would have taken place that day?

"Probably would have killed him myself or at least beaten him to the point he would wish he was dead. I hadn't know the whole story until tonight but the look on your face was enough for me to know the situation wasn't a good one."

"The look on my face?"

"You looked completely terrified. It was a kind of terror I had never seen before," Shizuo explained. "It broke my heart to see it and I had never felt so angry in my life than that moment. That was when I realized how much I cared about you. There was always something there but seeing someone I thought was invincible look so broken and scared just triggered something in me."

Tears began to fall from Izaya's eyes once again as Shizuo spoke. His head spun at the blonde's confession. It was all too much for her brain to process at the moment. He hadn't been sober enough; although, that night wouldn't have taken place if he had been. The feeling of Shizuo's thumb gently wiping away his tears hadn't been helping either. It was hard to believe someone as strong as Shizuo could be so gentle. He wondered if that meant someone as broken as him could eventually be put back together. It gave him a small flicker of hope, just enough to hang on to.

"What did I do to deserve this? I've done so many terrible things just because I could." He muttered as he tried to get a hold of his emotions, which was a lot more difficult than it should have been.

"Everyone deserves happiness. Life dealt you a bad hand, but that doesn't mean you should give up."

"Why does Shizu-chan seem to know about everything? That's my job."

"Never said I know everything."

"Well at least you know the right thing to say," Izaya offered a small tired smile.

After the events of that night, Izaya was both mentally and physically drained. When he left his apartment earlier that evening he hadn't been expecting to run away from Shizuo while he was drunk or shortly after spilling his darkest secrets as he had a mental breakdown in front of the blonde. He wasn't thrilled about Shizuo knowing, but he was glad it was him rather than someone else. There were plenty of people who would have loved to get their hands on that kind of information. That was something he was positive about. The results would have been disastrous for the informant. That was something he simply wouldn't allow. He went great lengths to prevent such things.

"I should probably head out," Shizuo said once Izaya let out a long yawn. As soon as the blond went to stand up Izaya grabbed his arm.

"Please don't go," Izaya's voice was desperate and his eyes pleading. He didn't want to be alone, mostly after replaying all his nightmares all in one night.

Typically Izaya had a difficult time sleeping due to his nightmares, filled with his past memories. He was frightened of the darkness when he awoke in the middle of the night, afraid that his uncle somehow lurked in the shadows of his room. He knew it was impossible but in her terrified state of mind he could see no reason or logic. It was why he didn't get much sleep at night, if any at all.

"Alright," Shizuo agreed before helping Izaya off the couch.

"Thank you," Izaya thanked him before he lead Shizuo to his bedroom. It was an action he wasn't used to. He didn't bring people back to his apartment, due to his own safety. If he left the bar with someone they'd always go back to their place or they'd get a hotel room. Izaya went to great lengths keeping his home a secret to those he didn't trust. Now here he was, standing just inside his bedroom with his former enemy. Even with it being an innocent encounter it made Izaya nervous.

"I'll just sleep on the couch," Shizuo began before Izaya shook his head.

"No, I'd rather you stay in here with me. I hate sleeping alone."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, now no more arguing," He said as he began to undress himself. Izaya didn't mind the look he received from the blonde as he stood there in only a pair of black boxers. He wasn't shy when it came to his body. Unwanted touching was different but in this situation that didn't matter and he couldn't say he would mind feeling the blonde's hands on his skin. Izaya just laughed lightly to himself before slipping on a baggy nightshirt and crawling into his bed. "Are you just going to stand there all night?"

"I don't have anything to change into," Shizuo finally spoke.

"So? I don't mind." A teasing grin spread across Izaya's lips before he chuckled when the blonde sighed in defeat.

Izaya couldn't deny that his eyes wondered while Shizuo began to strip off his own clothing. Crimson orbs traced over each muscle that was slowly exposed to him. He was sure if he hadn't been exhausted the informant would have likely jumped the blonde. With the slight blush across the blonde's face, Izaya figured he knew it too. With the light turned off, Shizuo hesitantly got into the bed next to the informant.

"Relax, I'm not going to stab you in your sleep or anything," Izaya said before he rolled over towards him, allowing his head to rest on the other man's chest.

"It's just weird. I never expected... this," Shizuo tried to explain as he wrapped his arms around Izaya's smaller frame.

"Me either," Izaya mumbled tiredly. He began to drift off as he listened to Shizuo's steady heartbeat and breathed in the scent of cigarettes and something else that he couldn't quite put his finger on but it suited the blonde. It was a scent that he would commit to memory.

"Goodnight Izaya," was the last words the raven heard before he fell asleep. That night was the first time in years that Izaya's dreams were not filled with terrifying images. Instead the were filled with pleasant dreams of the blonde sleeping soundly next to him.


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the long wait. I'm not that happy with this chapter and I felt like it was a bit more rushed than I would have liked. I have the next chapter already written, just need to type it up and edit it. Hopefully it won't take too long. Also if you recognize the reference to the other anime I use in this chapter I give you props. It will come into play again but it's not important that you know anything about it. Any comments or feedback are greatly appreciated so I know what you guys think. Well hope you all enjoy!
> 
> Edit: Fixed some errors, added a few details, and changed some of the sentence structures.

The bright morning light shone in through the blinds to illuminate the occupied room and the sleeping pair, who were wrapped around one another as they slept. Crimson orbs fluttered opened slowly when the light grew brighter as the hours ticked by. A throbbing in the man's head had pulled a soft groan from his lips and had him hiding his head from the light in the warm body next to him. His eyes soon shot open in realization that he was wrapped up in Shizuo's strong arms. The memories of the night before came back to him and he soon relaxed as a small heat spread across his face.

Izaya tried to get up from the bed, but it just resulted in the blonde pulling him even closer and causing a surprised squeal to escape him. That had evidently done the trick since the informant was soon met with gorgeous pools of brown. The heat intensified in his cheeks and spread further across his face in embarrassment. Izaya never expected to be so close to the other and now that he was like he was some silly school girl with a crush. It was pathetic and made him want to smack himself in shame.

"Good morning," Shizuo's deep voice nearly sounded like a purr to the raven and the husky tone sent a chill down his spine.

"Good morning Shizu-chan," He managed to say, "Not that I mind being so close and all but my head is killing me so I'd like to get some medicine."

"Oh sorry," Shizuo said before he let go of him.

"Thank you," Izaya muttered and quickly got out of bed, rushing to the bathroom.

Once safely inside with the door closed behind him Izaya finally began to relax, even if it was only slightly. He pulled the pain relievers out of his medicine cabinet and popped them into his mouth. Once he swallowed them he placed the bottle back in it's spot next to his various prescriptions. After closing the cabinet he looked at his reflection in the mirror and sighed before he splashed water in his face. He never was the type to become embarrassed. Izaya was the type that embarrassed others not the other way around, mostly when the culprit of his own embarrassment hadn't even done it purposefully.

"Get yourself together Orihara," He spoke to his reflection. "It's only Shizu-chan. In your apartment, laying in your bed, in only his boxers."

At the image Izaya's face heated up even further, causing him to growl in frustration. This was getting old fast and he cursed himself for acting in such a way. It was not normal for him and he wasn't sure how to deal with it. It was a foreign feeling that would need to be further investigated.

Once he managed to finally get himself under control he walked out of the bathroom to an awaiting blonde, who had been sitting on the edge of the bed fully clothed in what he wore last night. Izaya was quite thankful for that simple fact. His brain could not handle a nearly naked Shizuo this early in the morning. Without a word spoken between them, Izaya dressed himself in his typical black attire. He had work to do later so he couldn't just sit around in his pajamas all day. When he was completely dressed he looked over at the blonde who hadn't moved since he had left the bathroom.

"Are you going to sit there all day?" Izaya asked, causing Shizuo to finally look up at him. The look he received was an uncomfortable one. It looked as if Shizuo had a lot on his mind and the informant wasn't sure if he wanted to know what was running through his head; although, he had a pretty good idea of what part of it could have been.

"Izaya...about last night-" Shizuo began but was quickly cut off.

"Can we please not talk about that?" You know the truth now, no need to speak about it any more."

"But-"

"No buts, drop it."

Shizuo hesitated, almost as if he had been about to argue, but stopped and sighed in defeat. For that alone Izaya was grateful. Last night had been enough for him. He didn't want to talk about it anymore. The blonde had heard enough to last a lifetime to him. The raven wasn't willing to be vulnerable like that again. One night had been plenty.

It looked like Shizuo had finally been about to say something else but was silenced by the sudden ring of Izaya's phone. He took the phone from the pocket of his pants and looked at the screen to see on of his client's names written across the screen.

"Why hell there Sawada-dono! I wasn't expecting a call from you this early," Izaya's voice was far too energetic for having a hangover and waking up only moments ago.

"I apologize Orihara-san, if it wasn't urgent I wouldn't be contacting you." The voice was hesitant, which only made a knowing smirk cross Izaya's features.

"Once the money has been transferred to my account I will send the email with all the requested information."

"It should be transferred to you shortly. The Vongola family will not forget about your assistance Orihara-san. The family owes you quite a debt for this."

"It was a pleasure," Izaya told the man on the phone before they both said their goodbyes and the call was ended.

Without saying a word to Shizuo, Izaya made his way into the living room and over to his computer. He waited for the money to transfer before he quickly sent the email to his client. The informant hadn't even realized Shizuo had followed him until he spun around in his chair to see the brute had been standing behind him.

"What are you doing getting mixed up with the Italian mafia? Shizuo more demanded from him than asked.

"They are a very powerful family and the Vongola boss and a handful of his closest subordinates are actually from Japan," He explained. "Now they owe me a favor for the information I gave them."

"You shouldn't get involved with people like that. They're dangerous Izaya."

"Depending who you ask, so are we." Izaya knew very well that he got involved with some rather dangerous people but most of them didn't dare come after him. He had enough information to ruin any of them in a second; although, it wasn't always enough. People still came after him but he never needed Shizuo's strength in order to protect himself. If his chases with the blonde had taught him anything it would be that he was plenty capable of handling himself.

"I still don't like it," the blonde muttered softly.

"Well this job and danger comes hand in hand so get used to it. Speaking of which, I have some work I need to go do. You're welcome to drop by later to make sure I'm still in one piece if you'd like," He teased, though he knew well enough that it would likely put Shizuo more at ease. What he hadn't expected was arms to wrap around him and once again be pulled into that strong chest.

"Just be careful."

"So protective already and we haven't even been out on an official date yet," He teased.

"I mean it," Shizuo growled.

"Alright, alright, I will try my best. So... about that date?"

"Come back first and I'll think of something in the meantime."

"Aww Shizu-chan is planning a date. I bet it will be romantic," Izaya pushed, knowing it would irritate the blonde. At the sight of an eyebrow twitch he knew he had succeeded. "Well alas, I have work to do." He bravely pecked Shizuo on the cheek before running out of his apartment, ready to watch his beloved humans. He could sit and stare at a screen all day to gather the same information but watching people was always a lot more entertaining.

Most of the day had passed rather quickly. Izaya had followed his targets of interest, as he liked to call them, and even threw some obstacles in their path to observe their reactions. He had even made it through the day without pissing too many people off. There was a run in with Mikado and his friends that he had found a special interest in, mostly due to the the teens being a bit abnormal themselves.

Izaya couldn't help but find great pleasure in messing with Masaomi. The blonde haired teenager stood out in a crowd due to his loud and outgoing nature. It was far too easy to anger the young blonde who still seemed to resent him. The informant assumed it was still for that incident that had occurred in the past even though that matter had been settled already.

He did find the odd group interesting with their varying personalities and organizations they belonged to but that day was not a day he would try toying with them. He had wished them well before taking off again. Other than that run in he was able to keep his word to Shizuo to be careful, not that he felt threatened by the teenagers. After the, mostly, uneventful day he decided to head home.

After he walked into his apartment his phone began to ring. Seeing that it was Shinra he shook his head before answering, "Why hello there Shinra."

"What is this about you and Shizuo being...um...well together? Is this a joke?"

Izaya was a bit taken back by that. "Why would it be a joke? Although, I'm curious as to who told you. Was it Shizuo?"

"I thought you two hated each other. You're always fighting and my dear Celty told me. She's practically seething. Ow! What was that for? Celty? Wait put that down! You're going to-"

The last thing he heard was a yelp from the doctor before the line went dead. A sigh left his lips as he placed the phone back in his pocket. He was sure the Dullahan got her information from Shizuo, since he seemed to tell her just about everything. Izaya hadn't expected a reaction like that but it shouldn't have surprised him that much. He probably wouldn't have believed the news if he had been in either of their shoes.

The two of them had been enemies since high school and Izaya was known for manipulating people. It was a logical conclusion, even if it wasn't true this time. The informant didn't have it in him to do that to Shizuo. Inflicting physical wounds over the years was a bit different, since he knew the blonde would heal quickly and it had usually been out of self defense. He had no idea what would happen if he broke the brute's heart and trampled all over it. Honestly he didn't want to find out.

A knock on his door pulled him out of his thoughts. Izaya swung the door open to see the subject of his thoughts standing there with a bag from Russia Sushi.

"I thought you'd be hungry." Was all Shizuo said before moving inside the apartment.

"Awe you brought me dinner. How sweet," Izaya teased before taking the bag and walking over to the couch. "Now come join me."

Shizuo sat down next to him without another word. Dinner was eaten in silence but, to Izaya's surprise, it was a rather comfortable one. There was no need for idle chatter as they ate, which he was thankful for. He didn't have all that much time to feed himself so he practically devoured the food in his hands, not that he made it obvious.

He knew that he didn't eat as often as he should, mostly with how much exercise he got daily, but it never bothered him. While he was occupied with his work he never noticed his building hunger. He would usually grab something in the morning, if he had time, and get something before he went out drinking. This was the first night in quite a while that he wouldn't need to be getting plastered.

"Thanks for dinner Shizu-chan!" Izaya spoke once he was finished.

"Do you have to always call me that ridiculous nickname?"

"Of course! You'll always be Shizu-chan to me and now it seems to fit even better!"

A groan was heard from the tall male, causing a small laugh to escape the raven. The rest of the night was filled with watching movies and teasing one another. When it got late they both headed into Izaya's bedroom to sleep, once again wrapped around one another.

This routine went on for several weeks, allowing the two to grow closer to one another. They found solace in each other and soon their friends began to believe that their relationship was not a joke, that they both were serious about each other. To everyone else they had no idea. They weren't intimate in public, not that they were actually seen in public together in the first place. Their chases even stopped, not thinking about the possibility of anyone taking notice of the absence of noise and destruction. That mistake would surely come back to bite them.

Both of them decided, after a few months, that it had been time for an official date outside of Izaya's apartment. They even both took the day off, not wanting to end up working into their dinner reservation. Izaya had offered to pay that night or go somewhere less pricey but Shizuo had insisted that they ate somewhere nice and that he would be paying. Izaya had just laughed to himself, knowing that the blonde had to constantly show off his dominance in their relationship, not that Shizuo needed to. It had been obvious; although, Izaya sometimes enjoyed making the blonde fight for the role. Now was not one of those times.

They both walked, Izaya more like skipped, up to the restaurant and completely ignored and the confused glances and hushed whispers around them. Izaya had been in far too good of a mood to notice while Shizuo just blatantly ignored them. Once they walked inside they drew the attention of nearly everyone inside. Most were waiting for objects to be thrown around and for their dinners to be ruined. When that did not happen most went back to their meals.

"Hello, how may I help you?" The greeter asked, slightly shaking in fear.

"Yes we have a reservation for two under Heiwajima," Izaya answered, taking enjoyment out of watching the greeter shake with fear as he looked over his papers.

"Of course, right this way."

They followed the man, whom they could tell wanted to seat them quickly so he could leave them to someone else, over to their table. It just made a smirk pull at Izaya's lips, even after they had been seated and the man walked away. It was rather easy to tell the blonde was getting irritated by all of those who kept glancing over at them. Izaya found it rather entertaining but knew it bothered Shizuo.

"Don't think about them Shizu-chan, they are just foolish humans who can't help but look at the two most attractive men here." The comment caused the blonde's cheeks to dust in a light pink out of embarrassment. "Shouldn't you be used to comments like that?"

"Shut up," Shizuo mumbled lowly.

Izaya had been about to speak again but a young blonde waitress walked over to their table. "Hello my name is Saki, I'll be taking care of you tonight. Can I get you anything to drink?" The waiter asked, leaning ever so close to the informant. Izaya could tell she had every desire to flirt with him after the tone she had spoken in and without even watching the anger radiate off Shizuo. If the waitress noticed the angry glare that was shot at her than she either ignored it or didn't seem to care in the slightest.

"I'd like a glass of Moscato Primo Amore," Izaya began before motion over to Shizuo, "My boyfriend would like the same."

The dejected look upon her face was priceless and she quickly scurried away. Shizuo seemed to visibly relax once the waiter was gone. The informant was glad he decided against messing with the girl. He would have highly enjoyed himself but since this was the first day out of his apartment for the Shizuo and him it would be best if they both enjoyed themselves. It would be safer for everyone in the restaurant the way as well. After the waitress returned with their drinks she quickly took their orders before leaving them alone once again.

"This is nice Shizu-chan."

"Yeah."

"Well besides you almost murdering our waitress. You know she could have them poison your food. Not sure if that would affect you though."

"No idea, can't say anyone has tried," He shrugged.

"I'd rather not find out."

The rest of the night was filled with chatter about anything that came to mind. There was laughter as well as embarrassment from both of them. They had been highly enjoying their evening out together, not caring about the others around them. When they finally left they did happily, unknowing of the various sets of eyes trained upon them, sitting there within earshot of the table that the couple had previously been occupying. The two had left without a clue that their outing would cause trouble for both of them because now their enemy had discovered a weakness in both of them. The untouchable and invincible were now penetrable with a single breakable flaw; each other.


	5. Chapter Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you who haven't realized this story I've also been posting over at FanFiction.net so until this update I had been posting the earlier chapters while I had typed this one up. I've had this finished for a decent amount of time, it just took me forever to type it up. I usually write it on paper first so that way I can edit it while I'm typing it. I don't have a beta so that's the easiest way I can do it. I'm finally got up updating on both sites so hopefully updating will happen around the same time. Well I hope you like this chapter after the long wait since I enjoyed writing it. Let me know what you think :)
> 
> Edit: Fixed up this chapter so hopefully it has few to no errors left.

It had been several weeks since the unlikely couple had their first public date. Since then they had been seen out together on a handful of occasions. It was a shock to most when the two didn't try and kill one another. Some even would speak harshly about the two, almost as if they were trying to pick a fight with them. Izaya usually found it amusing and would have to calm Shizuo down before he beat any of the men to death. Sometimes the informant would have loved to see just that but he would prefer that the blonde stayed out of jail, not that he couldn't have easily bailed him out. He thought it would be better if the blonde didn't end up there in the first place though.

Izaya had grown bored since Shizuo had gone to work that day and had none to do himself. That was how he found himself walking along the streets of his favorite city. It had seemed like forever since the last time he just walked the streets by himself while not working. His signature smirk was plastered on his face as he skipped his way down the street, enjoying the various sounds and smells around him.

The sound of his phone ringing had caught him completely off guard, not expecting a call from anyone. Crimson orbs glanced at the screen as he rose an eyebrow in confusion when the screen read "Unknown Caller" across the screen. That should have been his first clue that something was wrong. No one had his number that he didn't know. It wasn't something he just gave away to anyone or allowed others to give away.

"Hello?" Izaya asked, his cheerful greeting hiding his confusion.

"Go to the alley off of Cherry Street within fifteen minutes or you will regret it," an electronic voice spoke over the phone. Izaya knew it was to disguise their voice, since he had used the same trick several times, but he wasn't sure why this person would be doing so.

"Why would I want to do that?"

"Because Blondie here will suffer if you don't."

Those words were enough for Izaya to drop his phone and take off in a full out run. His mind had been in too much of a panic to even think that he could be running into a trap or that Shizuo had been safe and far away from the area. The mere idea that the blonde could be in trouble made him reckless, not so mueven able to think logically about the situation in the slightest. It took quite a lot to bring down the strongest man in Ikebukuro, probably even in all of Japan, and the thought that he could have been scared the raven more than he would like to admit. This fear was almost comparable to the fear he had held for his uncle. That fear alone had been his motivation for running like a mad man towards his destination.

Once he finally arrived at the alley he was faced with a single man, one he had not been familiar with. Izaya couldn't help but think that something about him seemed familiar but he wasn't sure quite what it could have been. As he approached, his hand found itself wrapped around his switchblade. There was just something about the man that didn't sit well with him. The unnatural white hair and violet eyes were strange enough to start with. The stranger radiated a presence that screamed of danger. The logical plan at that moment would have been to run, to get as far away as possible but the fear that Shizuo could still be in danger had Izaya rooted to his spot.

"So you're the infamous Izaya Orihara I hear so much about," the man spoke. "Not quite what I expected, mostly when an old friend of yours told me about you."

"I'm sorry but you seem to know who I am but I don't have the the same luxury. Should I?" Izaya wasn't sure who the man had been speak about when he mentioned a friend of his but that didn't matter. This guy knew who he was while he didn't know anything about the other man in return and that fact bothered him.

"Excuse my manners, I am Byakuran, the head of the Millefiore Family."

"Doesn't ring a bell."

"Not yet, soon enough it will. That is if that information you gave the Vongola Family doesn't ruin that."

That made Izaya raise an eyebrow as he put the pieces together. This was the leader of the group that was trying to overthrow the Vongola Family. He hadn't found a name, with them not being well known, but he had found out enough to warn Vongola. The man in front of him would likely try and take over Japan next and that was what had gotten Izaya to help out in the first place. This was his home and was relatively peaceful. This man would likely bring death and destruction with him.

When this realization hit him that he had gotten further involved with the mafia than he would have liked, Izaya knew he was in a great deal of trouble. If Shizuo was alright the informant knew he was going to kill him for this. Izaya was supposed to be trying to stay out of trouble, as much as he could with his profession, and this definitely wasn't doing that. He knew this whole situation would be trouble, more so the longer he stood there.

"Where's Shizuo?" He finally questioned as the blonde was not in his line of sight.

"Oh Blondie? I assume he's currently working, probably at the docks by now." Byakuran shrugged with a smug smirk plastered on his lips.

Izaya was relieved Shizuo was safe but was angry with himself for falling into the obvious trap that he had a feeling about from the beginning but instead ignored his intuition. He was in some serious trouble that he knew he wouldn't be able to talk his way out of. The man in front of him was very dangerous, possibly even more so than the informant himself, that much he could easily tell. If he had thought out a plan before rushing in without thinking he would be ready for whatever would happen next. If he happened to make it out of the alley in one piece he was sure Shizuo would kill him several times over.

"What do you want from me?" Izaya finally asked, his usual playful tone was now completely serious. This didn't seem to bother the white haired man any.

"Well I would say I want you dead, but I promised I wouldn't kill you, beside that would be such a pity with a pretty face like yours. Instead I will just have to teach you a lesson. Then maybe you'll keep your nose out of the mafia's affairs." His smirk turned sinister as he waved a hand in the air.

Soon enough various men and women came out of practically nowhere, surrounding the informant as they held various weapons in their hands. Izaya looked around him in search for some way to get out of this mess, but it seemed Byakuran had expected him to plan some form of escape. The only way he'd be able to get away was the way he came. The wall behind Byakuran was a dead end and there was nothing along the walls that he'd be able to get a footing on to get to the roof.

His grip on his knife tightened within his pocket, unsure if he'd be able to take them all on. Sure he was fast and very skilled with a blade but he was highly outnumbered by those who were most likely just as skilled with their own weapons. Even though there wasn't much hope he'd get out of there unscathed, Izaya wasn't about to give up without even trying. With a swift movement from their leader the fight soon began.

As the lackeys began to attack him, Izaya pulled out his own blade and slashed at anything that got near him. It kept most of them back fro charging him all at once for the moment. A fairly large man rushed at him with the only weapon being brass knuckles adorning both fists. Izaya quickly side stepped him while he jumped over another, using some sort of staff one of the others held for leverage. He continued to dodge blows that came his way while he slashed his blade now and then, almost feeling like he would be able to reach the streets with minimal problems.

He had been faring quite well at his task of fending off his assailants until there was a sudden searing pain at his side that soon shot through his whole body. Crimson eyes looked over at a younger looking male holding a long blade within his hands that was now coated in Izaya's blood. His eyes then traveled down to his side where there was a deep gash that could be seen through the cut fabric of his shirt. This stopped his movements as he was both in pain and stunned about the injury.

His hesitation had been enough for the others to quickly gang up on him, sending the raven forcefully to the ground. More pain shot through his body at the impact. They proceeded to pound and slash at him with all of their different weapons, knocking the breath completely out of Izaya's lungs. There wasn't a single time that he had felt quite the way he did in that moment. There were plenty of memories of agonizing pain but, to her, the physical pain he felt now was worse than all of those combined.

"That is enough," Byakuran finally spoke and the beating instantly stopped. Izaya forced an eye open as his hair was roughly pulled. He looked into the violet eyes of the sadistic man that wore that stupid smirk once again. "Have you learned your lesson Izu-chan?"

At the sweet tone that was used to say that stupid name Izaya wanted to spit in the bastard's face and did just that, earning his hair another rough pull and a finger pressed harshly into the wound on his side. "Go to hell," Izaya gritted out angrily, earning himself another jab at the wound. The raven couldn't help the cry that escaped his lips that time and the satisfied look on the bastard's face at that made Izaya wish he could just curl in on himself.

"That's a good boy. I can see why he likes you so much. Such a spitfire but also easily broken. Now let this be a warning to you. There are plenty of others who are not as kind and forgiving as me. There are so many that want you dead Izu-chan. You've made many enemies and quite a few now know you have a weakness. If I were you I'd be careful. Next time Blondie could actually be in trouble." With that his head was released and hit the pavement with a loud thud. "It was nice finally meeting you. Hopefully this won't have to happen again and next time will be under more pleasant circumstances for both of us."

The tone that Byakuran had used made him sick as he laid there unable to move. Thankfully they were all gone soon enough, leaving Izaya on the ground to himself. His head felt like it was splitting and he knew as soon as he was able to get to his feet it would start to spin. His body ached and the pain at his side was throbbing. He figured he'd be able to deal with the feeling as long as nothing touched it and if he was lucky he'd be able to ignore it.

Izaya hadn't been remotely close to feeling this terrible in quite a while, probably not since he broke up with his ex. His fights with Shizuo had never been this bad. It didn't help that he had been outnumbered by those whose leader was a complete sociopath. Izaya might have been a bit of one as well but not even close to that bastard. Izaya's intent had never been to kill, while Byakuran seemed to almost thrive off that idea. You could see the sick fascination in those violet eyes that the man enjoyed seeing the informant in so much pain.

Deciding he should probably get home and patch himself up before he bled out all over the concrete, Izaya slowly pushed himself to his feet with what little strength he had. Once he was actually standing he leaned on the wall for a moment as his head spun like he expected it would. His mind was reeling as he tried to think of a way to keep this hidden from Shizuo since he was rather banged up. If he could get home before the blonde got there then maybe he could patch himself up enough where it wouldn't look like that big of a deal. He doubted that he'd have enough time, seeing as it would most likely take longer to get home with his injuries. All in all Shizuo was going to be furious.

Not wanting to think any more he pushed himself off the wall and begun the long and painful trip home. He received various glances on the way that made him wonder if his appearance had really been that bad. He assumed so but chose to ignore it. He just wanted to get home. He managed to find his dropped phone, surprisingly, but it had gotten broken somewhere in the time that he had dropped it and when he picked up again. Unable to call a cab left the informant to walk most of the way back to his apartment. When he discovered this he cursed softly, almost throwing it to the ground and crushing it under his boot but found he didn't have the energy to do so. Instead he placed it back into his pocket and continued on.

By the time he actually reached his apartment building the sun had long since set, meaning if Shizuo hadn't gone searching for him then the blonde would be inside waiting. He took a deep painful breath as he exited the elevator and made his way to his door. There was a brief moment where he just stood in front of the door before he finally placed the key in the lock and opened the only thing standing between her and what he had been dreading the whole walk there.

The sight that he opened his door to was one he should have expected. Shizuo had been pacing the living room, surprisingly not ruining the carpet by doing so, with a cigarette between his lips and an ashtray full on the table. The only light in his apartment was the dim table lamp located by his desk on the other side of the large room. Izaya closed the door behind him and instantly saw the blonde snapping his eyes in his direction. The expression on his face was a mixture of surprise, worry and anger.

Izaya tried to conceal his side from Shizuo as the blonde moved towards him. He knew he would have to explain what happened but he wasn't looking forward to that discussion, mostly with how worried Shizuo had seemed to have been. What he hadn't expected was to be pulled into the blonde's arms. He hid the cry of pain that wanted to leave his throat as Shizuo brushed his side with his arm. He bit roughly on his already split lip to prevent himself from making a sound.

"What happened? I've been calling for hours and no one has heard from you." The worry in Shizuo's voice made Izaya feel even worse.

"Sorry, my phone broke. I didn't mean to worry you," Izaya almost flinched at how weak his voice sounded.

Shizuo pulled back and looked down at his hand and sleeve of his shirt that was now covered with Izaya's blood after he had moved across his side again. The raven watched as those brown eyes went straight to his side and soon enough his shirt was being pulled off to expose all the various cuts and bruises, along with the gash at his side, covering his fair skin. He bit on his lip again as the brown pools transformed from worry to full blown out anger and then back to concern all in a few moments.

"What happened?" Shizuo questioned again.

"Nothing. Don't worry about it," He lied.

"This isn't 'nothing' Izaya. You're hurt."

Izaya took a breath before he looked at the floor. "I was ganged up on, about thirty to one."

"How did this happen? You usually have no problem with anything like that."

"It was a trap. I had been lead to think you were in danger. That you had been hurt or would be if I hadn't met up with this guy."

Shizuo's eyes widened at that. "Who was it?"

"Don't wor-"

"No! Who was it?"

"Italian mafia."

"What?"

"Seemed to be a rival of the one I helped out a while back. Didn't like that I was sticking my nose in their business."

"I told you something like that was going to happen!"

Izaya could easily tell Shizuo was angry but it hadn't been directed towards him. That alone made him feel even worse about all of it. Their enemies now knew that they were now each other's weakness. This would likely not be the last time something like this would happen to either of them. His head spun again as he got lost in his thoughts, so he leaned on the closest thing to him, which thankfully was Shizuo. He felt a hand gently stroke his lower back and could tell the blonde's anger had disappeared, for the moment at least.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to break my promise," His voice was muffled by the cloth he was leaning into but was sure Shizuo heard what he said.

"Let's just fix you up. I don't want you passing out from blood loss."

With that being said, Shizuo carefully lead him into the bathroom. Once there Izaya sat down on the toilet seat while Shizuo grabbed the first aid kit from under the sink. The informant had not been paying attention to anything until he felt a sharp painful sting at his side. He let out a cry of pain, almost identical to the sound he had made earlier when that bastard had jabbed his finger in the wound. Shizuo muttered a soft apology before he went back to cleaning and working on his side.

As Izaya sat there his hand roughly gripped the counter at the pain that went through him as Shizuo cleaned up the gash. The discovery of learning that the blonde was fairly good at the action both surprised and worried him. How many times had Shizuo had to do this to himself? How many were Izaya's fault? He really wasn't sure he wanted to know as he already felt his heart plummet because of that single thought.

"All done with that one," Shizuo told him after he finished the bandaging. "Is that the only deep one? Did they hurt you anywhere else?"

"Other than what you can see not really. My head did hit the pavement a bit hard though, which is probably why I've felt a bit dizzy." Izaya admitted.

"Maybe I should call Shinra."

"No need. I've had concussions before, this isn't one. I'll be fine." The look on Shizuo's face made the raven breath out a small sigh. "I'll have him take a look tomorrow just for you. Need to get my side sewn up anyway."

Shizuo nodded his approval before he placed the first aid kit back to it's place under the sink and helped the raven back into the living room. Izaya made sure to grab a new shirt on the way. Once the fabric was pulled over his head he felt more relaxed, now he didn't have to feel Shizuo's gaze on his side any longer. The ruined material of his old shirt was quickly thrown into the garbage. It was such a waste but he was glad it hadn't been his favorite coat. That would have been a lot more devastating.

The two of them both sat down on the couch and decided to watch some film that had been on the television. Izaya knew Shizuo wanted to talk more about what had happened but luckily he wasn't pushing him to say anything. Izaya was glad for that. It was still fresh in his mind and if he could, even if it were for a few hours, he didn't want to think about what had happened.

Soon enough after they were seated he found himself curled up to Shizuo, making sure not to hurt himself in the process. With only the sound from whatever had now been playing on the television, Izaya's exhaustion and worn out body had him dozing off within an hour. Nothing was on his mind as he fell asleep other than the security he felt in the blonde's arms.


	6. Chapter Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe I hadn't realized that I haven't posted this chapter here yet. Sorry about that. I also wanted to say that I don't have a beta reader so there will likely be a mistake or typo here and there. I have plans to go back and edit but I'm not sure how long that will take or when that will start. Well here it is and I hope that you all enjoy it and I would love to know what you guys think.

Crimson eyes slowly fluttered open as a buzzing echoed from the nightstand. Izaya couldn't remember actually going to bed so he assumed it had been Shizuo's doing. Either way he was thankful, since the couch would likely have made his limbs more sore than they already were. Glancing at the sleeping blonde next to him the raven smiled slightly before he crawled out of bed. After grabbing his phone Izaya walked into the living room so that he wouldn't bother Shizuo with the phone call, mostly when he wasn't sure what time it actually was.

"Hello?" He asked without looking at the screen.

"Heard you got yourself into some trouble," a familiar male voice sounded over his phone. Being too tired to recognize it, he pulled the phone from his face to finally read the name on the screen.

"Who'd you hear that from Shiki?"

"Word spreads fast and I'm sure every criminal in the city has heard by now. It is likely they will take advantage of the fact that you've been injured."

"So what? Not like it changed anything."

"That's where you are wrong Orihara-san. They will target that weakness. There are plenty of people who would enjoy bringing you down. A word from a friend, lay low until you've healed."

"Easier said than done," Izaya muttered as he pinched the bridge of his nose in irritation.

"Just some advice. I'll let you go now," He paused before speaking again. "Oh and I wish you and Heiwajima-san the best."

Izaya was about to say something but was met with the dial tone. He growled in frustration before throwing his phone at the wall, breaking his last spare. He'd have to go pick himself up another one that afternoon and order extras as well. It had been a while since he had broken some many in such a short span of time. A sound from behind him brought him out of his thoughts. He spun around to see Shizuo standing in the doorway.

"What was that about?"

"Nothing," Izaya muttered before he made to move past the blonde but was quickly stopped as a hand grabbed his wrist. He nearly winced but managed to kept the sound from escaping.

"Don't give me that. You wouldn't have thrown you phone at the wall for 'nothing' Izaya, please don't lie to me."

Izaya pulled his arm free, ignoring the the pain that shot through his body at both the action and Shizuo holding him firmly in place. "Everyone seems to know I got my ass kicked yesterday and will probably target us both because of it! Happy now that you know this isn't going to stop? I was untouchable before, clever enough to not run straight into a trap. They know that all they have to do is mention you and I throw logic out the window." Izaya couldn't help the crack in his voice as he yelled. He felt like a child again; weak and unable to control his life. If Shizuo would have just left him alone in the club he wouldn't have been in this mess.

"Just ignore whatever they say. I can take care of myself just fine." Shizuo finally said, "You know it would take an awful lot to bring me down."

Izaya just nodded before he walked back into his bedroom. He didn't want to think about what it would actually take to bring Shizuo down for good. The very thought made him sick, mostly when he knew that it would take quite a lot seeing as being shot didn't even keep the blonde down for long. Izaya just didn't want to think that one day someone would discover just what it would take.

He shook his head of those thoughts and dressed himself, careful not to irritate his injuries if he could help it. There were several tasks the informant needed to complete that day even if it would be safer to stay home. He knew going into it that his job was dangerous and until now Izaya hadn't had a problem with it. He had been smart about his actions and when he came into conflict he easily handled himself just fine. Add Shizuo to his life and everything seemed to change. It made him feel pathetic. Apparently he was never meant to be happy because as soon as he was something seemed to come in and rip that happiness to pieces. It had happened in High School when his Uncle broke out of prison and now it was happening again.

A sigh escaped Izaya's lips once he had managed to get dressed, causing the least amount of pain to himself that he could manage. Walking back into the living room he saw Shizuo was not longer there and remembered the blonde quickly mumbling something about a shower. It was the perfect opportunity to get out of the apartment without a word of complaint from Shizuo. With that thought in mind, Izaya quickly grabbed a piece of paper and a pen to leave the blonde with a note.

_ Shizu-chan _

_ I'm in the need of a new phone so I'm going to run to the store to get one. Like I promised, I'll go to Shinra's first and have him take a look at my head and stitch up my side. I'll be back later. _

_ Izaya _

He placed the note on the counter, where he was sure Shizuo would see it, and soon left his apartment after not bothering to lock the door. No one who was a threat to him knew where he lived so he wasn't worried about it. Besides, Shizuo could lock up when he left since he knew where Izaya left the spare key outside his door. With how often he used to drink, Izaya had a feeling one day he would forget or lose his keys so he had made sure there was one he could access. He had done just that several times already.

Now as Izaya casually made his way to Shinra's he was extra observant of his surroundings. He really didn't want anyone to sneak up on him in his current condition. It looked like he had been in the clear for a majority of the trip there. It had not been until he was a little less than a block from his destination that things began to go downhill for the informant. Before he knew it he had been surrounded by thugs all wearing various items of yellow. He fought the urge to roll his eyes at the encounter.

"Can we make, whatever this is, quick? I have important things to do," Izaya voiced as if this all bored him but his heart was actually pounding rapidly against his chest.

"Now now, not the smartest thing to say in your position," One of the men, perhaps the leader, voiced.

"My position?"

"We know what happened yesterday. The fact you're standing at all after that beating is surprising."

"What can I say? I'm full of surprises." With that, Izaya whipped several of his blades out of his pockets and threw them at his soon to be attackers.

"You dumb bitch," One cursed as he wiped blood from his cheek.

The next thing Izaya knew he was running. He ignored the ache of his limbs and intense pain that invaded his side and was sure the bandaging that had helped stop the bleeding last night had been useless now. The pain was too much as his vision began to darken. He almost didn't notice when he had been tackled to the ground. His arms moved, out of reflex, to block his face as punches and kicks begun to further abuse his body. He couldn't remember a time in his life, besides yesterday and perhaps when he was a child, where he had felt so terrible and completely useless. He felt no larger than a flea. He guessed Shizuo had been right about that.

If every day was going to be like the way the past two had been Izaya wasn't sure he could handle it. He was just so run down emotionally that he had begun to affect him physically, long before the day before. It was just now that anyone had tried to attack him. If they had before Shizuo squirmed his way into Izaya's life, then something like this would have happened a long time ago.

The informant hadn't realized when the punches and kicks had stopped or when the men had actually left. All he knew was that he felt a hell of a lot worse than yesterday. He laid there for a moment before he weakly got himself to his feet. He had to lean on the walls of the building to keep himself upright as he slowly made his way to Shinra's. As long as he didn't encounter anyone else he figured he'd be fine, well as much as he could be in his situation. The next person would likely end up killing him at that moment and he definitely didn't want that.

As soon as he was in front of Shinra's apartment he leaned on the wall next to the door and knocked. He hoped Shinra was actually there. If not this all would have been a waste and he'd probably bleed to death outside his best friend's home. He would probably come back and haunt the doctor for laughs if that were to happen.

"Yes?" Shinra's voice asked as the door opened. There was a confused look on the doctor's face before he spotted Izaya. "Oh my god! I heard about yesterday but Shizuo said he cleaned you up."

"He did," Izaya began as he was helped inside, "I just got attacked again down the street by some Yellow Scarves."

"If you were already hurt why would you leave the house? I would have dropped by instead."

"I was in need of a new phone. I only was going to stop by because I promised I would."

"That's extremely reckless, mostly for you. Maybe you should have at least had Shizuo go with you."

"No, I will not be a burden to him because I was stupid enough to get myself hurt. He doesn't need to get involved."

"Izaya he got involved the moment you two got together. Some people will see it as a weakness but I disagree. You have each other, the two strongest men in all of Ikebukuro. It's a bit frightening," Shinra told him as he began to patch Izaya up.

Izaya didn't say anything else as Shinra tended to his wounds. When the doctor stitched up his side had to fight to sit still. He had let out several groans of pain and threatened if Shinra ever told a soul about it then he would gut him like a fish. Enough ears had already heard those pathetic sounds of weakness. He didn't need anyone else to know about it. Izaya had been completely out of it after that, until there was an impatient knock on the door.

"I'll be right back," Shinra said before disappearing from Izaya's sight.

When Izaya heard the door open and quickly close he assumed the other person had entered quickly or Shinra had stepped outside. Izaya realized it was the later when he didn't hear anything else. The raven let out a tired sigh as he waited for Shinra to return so he could leave. If he knew where Shinra kept his things he would have finished cleaning himself up. He stood up slowly and walked over to the mirror. What he saw made him freeze. His usually ivory skin was covered by various shades of purple and yellow from bruises and red and pink from all the cuts from yesterday. His side was now stitched up and matched the rest of his abused body. The sight reminded him of the past and it just made him sick to his stomach.

"N-no..." He whimpered as he grabbed the counter to hold himself up. He didn't even realize the two forms who walked in as he vomited in the trash can.

"Izaya!" Shizuo's voice could barely be heard as unpleasant memories invaded the informant's mind.

"Shizu-chan?" Izaya whispered as he looked up at the blonde with dull broken eyes.

"Yeah, I'm here."

"I'm sorry... I thought I was being careful. I didn't... I was too slow." Izaya slowly spoke as he let his gaze fall to the floor.

"I just wish you would have waited. I would have went with you. Those bastards wouldn't have touched you." Shizuo's anger flared for a moment before it disappeared again.

"I'm sorry..." Izaya muttered again before he used his arms to cover his torso, not wanting the cuts and bruises to show any more.

Noticing this snapped Shinra back into action as he went and retrieved the shirt and then held it out for Izaya to take. "It's a bit dirty from blood that got though the previous bandaging but it's mostly dry. Also your head will be fine. Just a nasty bump and small gash from where it hit the pavement. All you need to do is rest and you'll be as good as new."

"Thanks Shinra," Izaya muttered before he slowly began to make his way out of the room.

"Where are you going?" Shizuo questioned as he moved after him.

"Did you forget I still need a phone?"

"Izaya do you think that's a good idea?" Shinra asked skeptically.

"Doesn't matter. I can't do my job without one and I'd like to be able to pay my bills on time thank you very much." Izaya told them, noticing the look they gave one another.

"Alright, but I'm going with you," Shizuo told him.

"Fine, fine. Let's just go so I can go back home."

The blonde nodded before thanking Shinra for fixing up the informant. Izaya impatiently waited in the doorway, not wanting to be out any longer than he had to be. He just wanted to get a new phone, order a few extra then return home and have a few drinks of some Jack Daniels he had stashed away for when he didn't want to go out drinking. After the events of the last two days he really needed a drink. He needed something to dull the ache and stop his mind from wondering for at least a little while. He was sure Shizuo wouldn't approve but that didn't matter to him. He needed it and that was that. At least he planned on drinking in his own home.

The way to the shop was an easy one, with no problems from anyone. Izaya managed to get himself a phone identical to his others and placed an order for several more. Feeling a bit more successful with his plans for the day, he left the shop with a smile on his face. Not that it lasted long. It only took a few minutes for more gang members to try and attack Izaya, this time being members of the Blue Squares. Apparently they hadn't noticed Shizuo was the blonde with him until it had been too late. One of them lunged in their direction with a crowbar in hand. The next thing Izaya knew was the man was face first in the pavement, very likely to be unconscious.

"Shit! That's Shizuo Heiwajima!" Another voiced as he looked down at his buddy.

"That's right and if you want to hurt Orihara you'll have to get through me first," Shizuo threatened before cracking his knuckles.

Izaya would have thought the threat would have them all running but actually it was only half that ran while the idiots charged at the monster who could easily tear them all apart. Izaya turned his gaze away, not in the mood to watch any more violence that day. It also made him feel even more pathetic that Shizuo had to fight his battles for him. He did appreciate it but that didn't mean he liked it one bit.

"Let's go," Shizuo finally said as he now stood in front of him. He looked a bit disheveled, but fine other than that.

The rest of the way back to Izaya's apartment was rather uneventful other than a single guy trying to mug them. The man ended up in a dumpster two streets away. By the time they had actually gotten back, Izaya had been leaning on Shizuo out of exhaustion. Once inside his safe haven, the raven made his way to the kitchen while the blonde went and sat in the living room. Izaya was glad for that since it made pouring himself a drink or two a lot easier. He had actually downed two before pouring another and walking into the living room.

When brown hues spotted the glass Izaya finally looked over at the blonde. "What?"

"What on Earth are you drinking?"

"Whiskey."

"Why? I thought you were past that."

"It was a rough day, I need it."

"That's not true. If something is bothering you..."

"No. I'm fine. Just needed a drink is all. Nothing to worry about." Izaya lied. If Shizuo noticed he didn't say anything about it.

The rest of the night they spent mostly in silence. Izaya was far too lost in his own thoughts for it to make a difference either way. The day's events kept playing through his head. It had only been one day. If things continued down this road, he wasn't sure how much of it he could take. He was breaking and if things continued as they were he would either have a mental breakdown or drink himself to death. Either way, Izaya's future didn't look very bright. He had no idea the events that would unfold before him, that no amount of drinking would be able to fix.


	7. Chapter Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for the late update. This chapter has given me some problems and even though I'm not completely happy with the way it came out, I'm okay with it. There is a lot of angst on it's way so be prepared.
> 
> I'd also like to let everyone know that I do in fact have a tumblr account under the same name as here and would love to hear from you. I also have made a tag for this fic under "#fic: turmoil reigns". It doesn't have much of anything yet but I will be posting anything about this fic under it as well as when I go back and edit the previous chapters.
> 
> Would love to know everyone's feedback and any suggestions for the story. Enjoy!

Nearly a month had passed by and the attack on the duo had continued. Their assailants had even grown brave enough to target just Shizuo, but he'd always walk out of it with no more than a scratch or two. Izaya, on the other hand, had trouble almost every time he left his apartment. Word had spread to just about everyone in the world of crime now about his injuries and they all were taking advantage of that. While he had been healing, Shizuo had gone everywhere with him since Izaya was usually unable to handle more than one attacker at a time. This was a fact that his enemies were well aware of.

He had healed for the most part, with his side still being the problem, and once again could take care of himself. He might not have been at full health just yet but was once again a force to be reckoned with. The informant no longer needed the blonde to leave the apartment with him, even though sometimes he had a habit of doing it anyway.

Although, it all began to drain him to the point he would drink nightly again; Izaya refused to let the bastards get away with all they had done and put him through. Izaya Orihara was not one to be trifled with, too bad for his attackers that they would have to learn that the hard way. It was due to his revenge that had him researching more than just for his job. He was gathering information about every single person who had crossed him in the last month and was scheming how to make them all pay for their actions against Shizuo and himself.

The informant did all of this without telling the blonde. Izaya knew that Shizuo would not be happy if he ever found out, so he figured it was best for them both if he just kept it a secret. The blonde would just overreact and stop the informant from putting these dogs in their place.

Sure he was putting himself in danger but if he just allowed things to progress as they were without doing anything, matters would only get worse. He'd appear to be weak and that it was alright for these acts of aggression towards him to continue. Izaya was tired of feeling weak and was done relying on Shizuo to bale him out of trouble when he couldn't handle it himself. It no longer happened as often but even once was enough. Izaya was a grown ass man for heaven's sake, he should have been able to take care of himself.

On that particular day, there was only the clicking sound of a keyboard to fill the silence of the informant's apartment. He was currently searching through files he had found on one of the smaller groups that had attacked him a few weeks back. A twisted smirk pulled at his lips as the final piece he needed for his current plan of action to deal with the pathetic humans was laid out in front of him. Izaya would make them all regret ever crossing him.

The raven started dealing with those on the bottom of the totem pool and would be working his way up from there. He had already made great progress and was looking forward to completing what he started. Once he got to the bastard that had begun all of the attacks, Izaya wasn't sure what he would do. Dealing with the mafia would be a lot more complicated, but by the time he even got to that point there might not have even been a need to deal with them. The Vongola family, hopefully would have already dealt with the matter themselves by then. Izaya could at least hope that would be the case. His last encounter with Byakuran was not something he wanted to be put through again. Even thinking about that man sent chills up his spine.

A grin appeared on Izaya face once more when the number, he needed to continue his plan, sat on the computer screen in front of him. He quickly dialed the number and waited patiently as he listened to the continuous ringing of the phone in his ear. It only took a few rings before a woman's voice could be heard through the speaker. “You've reached Tomblin Insurance, this is Amelia Newman. How may I help you?”

A smirk pulled even further at Izaya's lips before he spoke. “Yes, is this Mrs. Newman, the wife of Victor Newman?”

“Yes, has something happened to Victor?” The obvious worry in her voice was even that much sweeter to the informant.

“Then I'm glad we reached you. This is the Ikebukuro police department. Mr. Newman has been insistent that we contact you. He has a man at gunpoint and won't see reason. He has demanded to speak with his wife within the next hour or he will kill the hostage. I'm not sure what the cause of this behavior is ma'am but would it be possible for you to make it to the old warehouse district as soon as possible?”

“Oh my goodness, I'll be right there!” The woman's voice sounded panicked as Izaya could hear her fumbling around with something while she remained on the phone.

“We appreciate it ma'am, we are trying to keep out of sight as not to invoke hostility. He is currently inside the warehouse closest to the dock.”

“Thank you officer, I will be there as soon as I can.” With that the woman hung up.

A laugh escaped Izaya's lips as he spun in his chair. Things could not have been going any smoother for him in that moment. It had felt like far too long since he had felt in so much control of a situation. A giddiness overcame him as he grabbed his coat and nearly ran out of his apartment. After finalizing his plan of what to do to the leader of one of the group of his attackers, he had only needed a few more pieces to his game.

The phone number had been the only thing he had been missing at the time and now that he had it, he set his first pawn into place and was ready to continue. He would use the wife as bait to lure Victor Newman, a member of the blue squares, to the warehouse district where he would teach the man the consequences of crossing him even if an innocent had to get hurt in the process.

Izaya practically skipped down the sidewalk once he was off the train. He was nearly where he needed to be and his excitement grew the closer he got to his destination. There was no difficulty with anyone on his way to the warehouse other than a few strange looks he received, due to his crazed laughter. It should not have come to a surprise to people, since this was not the first time that Izaya had appeared like a complete lunatic in his favorite city. He would never grow old of the reaction from his dear humans.

Now that he stood in front of the correct warehouse, with only the sound of a frantic woman calling into the empty space, Izaya's expression grew serious. As soon as he walked inside, he closed the door behind him, and locking the door along with it. This way there would be no chance the woman would run out on him, not that she'd be able to outrun the raven in the first place.

“Mrs. Newman!” Izaya called out, not feeling the need to find the woman when she was likely running around looking for her husband, whom was not even there yet.

It only took a few moments before the woman came running from the room on his right. The panicked look that crossed her features was exactly what he was hoping for. Her worry made her reckless, something he had now known firsthand, making his job all that much easier. His pawn was moving across the chessboard just as he expected, now if only the other piece would move as he predicted it would.

“Who are you? Where is my husband?”

“We spoke over the phone Mrs. Newman. As for who I actually am, that you will just have to wait and find out for yourself.” Izaya began as he took a step closer to her. “Your husband will be joining us shortly but it's not quite time for that.”

“What are you talking about? He isn't here?”

“Bingo! Don't worry about that though, we're going to have some fun of our own while we wait.”

“You're not...” She gasped as she couldn't finish her sentence.

Izaya just rolled his eyes at the implication of her words. “No, I'm not going to do that.”

“Then what-”

“You ask too many questions,” Izaya interrupted before pulling out his knife and pointing at her. “Now if you wouldn't mind, please walk into the room on your right.”

It was obvious to the raven that she was contemplating running for the door as she eyed the space above his shoulder, so when she actually darted for the door Izaya was prepared. He moved quickly after her, sweeping his leg into hers, and causing her to fall onto the hard cement floor. Izaya originally had not planned on actually harming the woman but she was trying his patience.

“You are just making the situation worse on yourself. If you just learned to listen we wouldn't have any problems.” Izaya spat at her as he grabbed a handful of the woman's hair and pulled her to her feet.

“What do you want from me?” She cried out as she let the informant lead her to the room he had mentioned earlier.

A laugh escaped the raven at that. “Who said anything about wanting anything from you? You are merely bait my dear. It's your husband that I'm after. He thought that there would be no consequences for crossing me. He hurt me and now I plan on returning the favor.”

A gasp followed shortly by sobs were the only sound that escaped the woman as Izaya led her up a set of stairs and into another room where he sat her down and tied her to a chair. There was no other words spoken between the two, which was perfectly alright with the informant. It was better that he didn't have to listen to her blubbering any longer.

Izaya decided now was the time to put the next step of his plan into action. Everything was slowly falling into place and now all he had to do was get the perpetrator here, then he would be able to cross off one more name of his list of targets. He was getting that much closer to finally getting closure for what he had been put through. If he was lucky, the raven would once again feel like he wasn't just a pathetic piece of trash that everyone could just kick around for their own pleasure. He was better than that, or at least that was what he used to believe. If this was what it would take to not feel like he was drowning in a dark sea of despair any longer than so be it.

He dialed the number of his current target and placed the phone to his ear. He glanced at Mrs. Newman while he waited for her husband to pick up the phone. Izaya wondered if the woman even knew what her husband had gotten himself into. Did she know that the man she slept next to every night was in a street gang? That the man tormented those who were at their lowest? If she didn't, then it wouldn't be long now when she found out everything.

“Hello, who's this?” A gruff voice was heard from the speaker of the informant's phone.

“A very impatient informant.” There was a silence for a moment, that Izaya assumed was the man piecing together who was calling him.

“Orihara?”

“Yes, and now that you realized who is calling you Newman you might want to shut your mouth for a few minutes.” Izaya's tone became dark as he remembered exactly what the man had done to him with his buddies. “I don't take being attacked lightly Newman, in fact I always return the favor. Now then, let's get to business. You will come to the warehouse district, at the one closest to the dock, within an hour to settle the score.”

“What if I chose not to?”

“Well then, I'll just have to settle our score with your wife instead. It would be a shame to hurt such a pretty face.”

“You're bluffing.”

“Am I?” Izaya then moved over to Mrs. Newman and put his call on speakerphone while moving the phone closer to her face. “Why don't you say something dear?”

“Victor! Please help me!” There were sobs escaping the woman as she yelled to her husband.“ Emilia! You bastard! You better not have hurt her.” The voice over the speaker growled out in anger. It just made a laugh escape the informant as he took the device off speaker phone and placed it back to his ear. That was the type of response he was looking for. That would make getting the man there so much easier.

“Well that all depends on you Victor. Now listen carefully because I will not be repeating myself again. You will come to the warehouse district within the next half hour, because I am a very impatient man. Any minute later and I will have to punish your wife here for your misdeeds. Don't keep me waiting.”

With that, Izaya hung up the phone without giving the other man a chance to say anything else. He didn't want to wait any longer than he had to to get this done. There were bigger plans he would need to put together for the rest of his list and he needed all the time he could spare to pull everything together.

Thankfully, it didn't take the full thirty minutes he had given for Victor Newman to actually show up. It wasn't difficult to tell when the man arrive, what with the guy making a very loud entrance by slamming the doors open that Izaya had taken it upon himself to unlock while he waited. The yelling of his wife's name was the next clue as to that it had actually been the raven's target who arrived.

“Now let the real fun begin,” Izaya smirked to himself as he strut out to the walkway that overlooked the bottom floor. It was convenient and one of the reasons the informant originally chose this specific warehouse. It kept him out of direct contact with his prey.

As a welcome, Izaya threw one of his blades down to land in the ground next to Victor's feet, missing by only an inch. There was a short gasp of surprise from the other man before his gaze had turned up to where Izaya stood.

“Where is she you bastard!” Victor yelled after setting his sights on the informant.

“She's a bit tied up right now.”

“Bastard!”

“That's what I hear,” Izaya laughed manically.

“What do you want Orihara?”

“What do I want? Just to settle a score. You brought harm to me so I'm just returning the favor.” Izaya hopped down on one of the stack of crates that had been abandoned with the building and then down to the floor. “Did you really think you could just get away with crossing me? I could ruin your entire life in just a few mouse clicks or phone calls. Honestly you should have finished me off, now it has come back to bite you.”

“If that's all this is about then why bring Emilia into this?”

“I needed a way to get you here, she will be released after this is all done and she will be just fine. You on the other hand...” He trailed off with a smirk pulling at his lips.

“You are a sick bastard.”

“You really have no idea,” Izaya spoke before lunging forward in one swift movement, slashing a long gash across the man's chest, before sweeping out his feet again and knocking the man flat on his back on the dirty ground.

“Fuck, you bastard! We should have killed you, even though we were ordered not to.”

A boot clad foot came down harshly on the man's side before he knelt down with his knife pressed against Victor's throat. “So what were your orders then?”

“Just to incapacitate you. Try to put you out of business.”

“Is that so?” Izaya cut the man across the face before returning the blade to his neck. “Did you know I could cover up a murder if I truly wanted too, even planting evidence that would lead to the arrest of your wife as the culprit? It seems to me that everyone is unaware of how good I am at what I do. Perhaps I should make an example out of you and remind them.”

“P-please, I'll do whatever you want. Please don't kill me.”

“You should have thought about that before.” He pressed the blade of his knife enough to slightly puncture the skin underneath.

“Izaya?” Another voice spoke from the entrance, making the raven whip his head up and stare in shock at the sight of Shizuo standing there. “What the hell is this?”

Izaya glanced down at Victor before looking back at the blonde. This was not what was supposed to happen. Sure the informant wasn't going to actually kill the man, just rough him up and scare him but it likely looked really bad to the bodyguard.

“What does it look like Shizu-chan? I'm getting revenge from the bastards that made the last month of my life hell.” He spat at the man underneath his blade.

“Izaya...”

“No! He deserves to pay for what he did! They all do!” Izaya spat angrily before pressing harder with his knife and earning a cry of pain from the man underneath his blade.

“Izaya stop!” Shizuo said before moving over to him.

“He deserves it! He shouldn't be allowed to get away with what he has done.” Izaya's voice was filled with venom as he glared down at the one of the men who made his life even more of a hell than it already was.

When he felt a strong hand grab his arm and pull him away from Victor he struggled against the grip. Shizuo pulled the raven to his feet, allowing for Victor to climb to his feet without the fear of Izaya lashing out at him.

“Where's my wife?” Victor managed to gasp out as he held his neck. The words had the blonde raising an eyebrow and an angry scowl crossed his features.

“Up the stairs and down the hall from the door on the right,” Izaya said softly, anger still laced in his tone.

Izaya a suddenly became aware of Shizuo again as he was being dragged towards the door. He pulled his arm, only for the grip to tighten around it. A yelp of pain left Izaya as he hadn't expected the blonde to hold his arm tight enough that would easily leave bruises. The blonde hadn't actually hurt him since high school before everything with his uncle had happened. It sent a cold sickening feeling through the informant, causing Izaya to lash out and cutting the blonde.

“Let go of me!” Izaya shouted as his chest tightened to the point that he had trouble taking normal breaths of air. Old memories had begun to resurface and all the raven wanted to do was run. Instead, he tugged and beat on the arm that had been holding his own, wanting to be free of the touch.

As soon as Shizuo let him go, Izaya quickly distanced himself from the blonde as he tried to control his breathing. The familiar feeling of drowning was setting in yet again as his limbs felt heavy to the point that he was barely able to hold himself up. He did not notice the worried expression on the blonde's face as he closed his own eyes and leaned against the wall to try to pull himself together. His mind was racing along with his heart as the lingering feeling of rough hands crept along his skin. Izaya knew that it had only been Shizuo but that's not what his mind was thinking about in that moment. Suppressed memories resurfaced and played out vividly in front of him. All he wanted to do was fall to his knees and possibly vomit out what little there was inside of his stomach.

“Izaya?” Shizuo's voice could be heard somewhere above the surface of the informant's thoughts. It wasn't enough for the images to leave him or for his breathing to even out and chest to stop hurting. Everything was just made worse when Shizuo reached out to him and barely touched his shoulder.

“Don't touch me!” Izaya wailed, the panic evident in his strained voice. His eyes had shot open and glanced at Shizuo as he placed a hand on his chest. He could feel the tears in his eyes but he stubbornly refused to let them flow. “Don't. Fucking. Touch. Me.” He repeated as he gasped for air.

“Izaya, I didn't... I mean...I...” Shizuo let his hand return to his side as he just looked at the raven with concern and confusion. They were both caught up with what was going on with the informant that neither had noticed anyone leaving the building, even if the woman had still been quietly sobbing.

Izaya just stared at the blonde as he tried to calm himself. The only one here was Shizuo, there was no one here who wanted to hurt him. It was only Shizuo. He hadn't actually meant to hurt the informant, had he? Izaya eyed Shizuo carefully, unsure at that moment of what the brute's actual intentions were. The blonde could be waiting for a moment like this since the beginning. At the thought, something in the informant broke and everything came crashing down around him. Could that have been the truth? Was all of this a lie?

“You...” Izaya wheezed out as the air had only just started to return to his lungs.

“I'm sorry Izaya, I didn't mean to-”

“Save it you lying bastard!” Izaya spat as his mind continued to repeat the same words and scenarios over and over. How could he have been so stupid?

Shizuo looked dumbfounded at the venomous words. “What?”

“Don't act like you don't know! Was this all some sick joke to you?”

“What on earth are you talking about? You're not making any sense.” Shizuo said as he took a step closer to only have the informant take a step away from him.

“You know very well what I'm talking about. How could I have been so stupid?” Izaya spoke as his body began to shake. “I actually trusted you. What a bittersweet betrayal.”

“Betrayal? Izaya what are you-”

“Are you really going to keep talking like you have no idea what's going on? How stupid do you think I am? I know this has all been a lie! You couldn't do any lasting damage so you had to go and do this. Waited until the time would be right to finish the job, right?” Izaya spat at the blonde as he felt his heart break.

“Izaya what the hell-”

“Just shut up! I'm tired of listening to your lies!” Izaya yelled as he felt a tear run down his face. “And I thought I was the manipulative bastard...” The last words came out in a whisper as he continued to struggle to return air to his lungs.

Shizuo reached out again but Izaya just pushed him away and shook his head. “You really are a monster like everyone says. I can't do this.... I never want to see you again.” Izaya voiced without looking at Shizuo before he broke off in a run.

He ignored the shout of his name or the footsteps that had followed after him. Izaya's whole body felt like it was shutting down on him but he kept running until he no longer could hear the blonde following him. Once he was sure he was alone he leaned against an empty wall, out of sight of others, and completely broke down. His sobs were silent as he finally let the tears pour down his face as he slowly slid down the wall.

As his mind raced it was difficult to decipher which of his memories were true and which his mind had tampered with. Each and every one leading to that moment in the warehouse where he thought he saw the truth about the blonde. Why had Shizuo been there in the first place? He shouldn't have known where to find him, unless he had been following him the whole time. It looked like the Heiwajima brothers had at least one thing in common; they sure knew how to act.

The ringing of the raven's phone pulled him out of his thoughts for a moment until he saw who was calling him. Ignoring the call from the one who sent the ache to his chest, he turned off his phone. He had no desire to speak with anyone and any business related calls could wait. His mind was in no condition to do his job effectively anyway.

When the pain through his chest dulled to a small ache, he got to his feet. It had gotten dark while he sat there so he decided it would be best to just head home. He hadn't completely failed in getting his revenge, knowing the fool would no longer try anything against him but that day did not feel like a victory.

The walk home took longer than normal as he walked at a slow pace, barely able to keep his legs moving at all. They felt like lead as he dragged himself to his apartment building and up to his door. Without even thinking, he immediately walked to his kitchen and grabbed his liquor from the cabinet before walking back into the living room where he plopped down on the couch and threw back the bottle, not noticing the burning in the back of his throat. His body felt completely numb from earlier events and soon enough his mind would join it, leaving him the broken shell of a man that he now was.


	8. Chapter Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really want to apologize for the long wait for this chapter. Life got incredibly busy and I just had a difficult time getting this chapter to come together. I'm pretty sure I have deleted it and rewrote it at least three or four times and I'm still not completely happy with it. It isn't exactly what I had originally planned but I think it worked out well enough. I apologize for any repetition or typos since I only went back and glanced over it before posting. Thanks again to all of those who have stuck with it and waited. I appreciate every comment and kudo I receive. You guys are the best.
> 
> You guys can also find me over at http://samiekins17.tumblr.com/ if you want to get a hold of me or share anything with me. I'm on there all the time so feel free to come say hello!

The light piercing harshly through the uncovered window had only been the beginning of the torment thrust upon the hungover informant, who hadn’t made it to bed the previous night and instead passed out on his sofa. A pained groan left his lips as he cracked open a bloodshot eye before quickly closing it again. Against his better judgement, he sat up slowly and instantly regretted the motion as pain shot up his body. It was one of the consequences for falling asleep on the sofa after a long night of drinking. It felt as if he had been hit by a bus and his organs were all thrust haphazardly back into his body in a tangled heap of blood and guts.

Izaya sat with his head in his hands as memories from the previous day slowly returned to the forefront of his thoughts. His mind was reeling and all the raven wanted to do was vomit. Maybe then he wouldn’t feel the tight clenching within his chest any longer. He had truly messed up, in more ways than one. His plan had practically been ruined and the informant was worried that it might come back to bite him, but he hoped that the bastard wouldn’t try anything again and would keep his dumb mouth shut. Even so, that wasn’t the main concern on his mind. That would have made it a lot easier that morning if it had been. Instead, his brain was swimming with thoughts of a particular blonde.

He still was unable to decipher the truth from what his brain had concocted in a moment of weakness and panic. Having watched the behavior of others for as long as he had, Izaya was able to read others rather well, mostly when it came to their motives or actions. It was the initial reasoning behind his interest in the blonde. Now it was just a nightmare and had him second guessing everything. The informant really wanted to believe that his time spent with the other man had been been genuine but his fear was too overwhelming to just let his thoughts leave it at that. 

Running his hand through his hair, he tugged on the strands before letting his hand fall back to his side. With a groan he stood up from the couch and instead of heading to the bathroom to grab medicine to try and relieve himself of his hangover, Izaya made his way into the kitchen. All he wanted to do was numb his pain and preferable his thoughts, so like many other times throughout his life, Izaya turned to liquor to console him. 

Without even glancing at the bottle he pulled out, he unscrewed the top and placed it to his lips, taking a long swig. The burning sensation was almost enough to send him into coughing fits, his body already wanting to reject the liquor. He hissed before taking another swig, uncaring what his body currently wanted. The more he drank the lighter he felt. It was destructive behavior but he was only hurting himself so if someone wanted to complain they could surely fuck off. 

Four bottles in and he was lying on the floor of his kitchen, with his phone forgotten in the other room. He had heard it ringing earlier but having seen that it was only Shinra, he left it and stumbled back into the kitchen to retrieve another bottle of liquor. He paid no mind to the continuous ringing as his head swam and his limbs burned. Izaya was clueless to the sixty-three missed calls, thirty-seven voice mails and the seventeen text messages that sat awaiting his attention in the other room. 

When he opened the sixth bottle it had been sometime after four in the afternoon, Izaya couldn't be certain as the numbers on the digital clock on his microwave were quite blurry but the sun hadn't been beaming through his window any longer. "Even the sun wants nothing to do with me." He said to the empty room, his words slurred together even in the near whisper.

Izaya nearly jumped as a loud knock began to fill the quiet apartment. His unfocused eyes scanned what little he could see of his apartment to try and pinpoint the source of the sound. "Izaya! I know you are home. Nobody has seen you leave all day. Open up!" He made out a voice yelling, who's it actually belonged to he couldn't quite figure out. "Izaya! If you don't open this door I will call Celty to come do it and we both know that you don't want that." Celty? Why would someone being talking about Celty? 

As the banging and yelling continued, Izaya barely realized that someone was at his front door. He willed his body to let him move to answer it but it denied him, keeping him right where he was. His whole body felt incredibly heavy for the first time in quite a while. Whoever was at his door, Izaya decided, could come back later.

Not being able to quite focus on the world around him, the quiet click of a lock and the squeak of his door being opened went unnoticed. "Jesus, I was right to be worried," A voice spoke from the other room but Izaya paid it no mind. "Izaya where are you? I've been trying to get a hold of you for hours…" The voice stopped abruptly and sounded closer than before. 

Izaya tried turning his head in the direction he thought he heard it coming from but his head just spun. He felt a cold touch on his neck, cooling the heated skin, before it was quickly gone again. When had his body felt so warm? He hadn't realized until now and now that he had all he wanted was to feel the cold touch again. He blinked his eyes as he tried to focus enough to make out the figure that was knelt down beside him. "Shinra?" He questioned, his own voice sounded muffled and distant to him.

"Yeah, it's me." The voice said before running a hand through his hair. It was quiet for several moments before a sigh left the doctor's mouth. "Why do you do these things to yourself? You're going to give yourself alcohol poisoning or drink yourself to death. I guess I'm glad I got here when I did. I'm sorry. I should have came sooner."

Izaya didn't quite grasp everything the other man was saying and that scared him. It wasn't often that he wasn't able to at least follow along a conversation, even when he was intoxicated. He was pathetic. 

"I'm going to sit you up then get you hydrated alright?" Shinra didn't wait for an answer as he helped the informant to a sitting position.

Izaya just sat there with his head leaned against the counter until a glass was pressed to his lips and was being told to drink. He did just that and was relieved at the soothing feeling the water left on his throat. He was a bit disappointed when the glass was taken away from him. The room was silent other than the sound of Shinra moving around and every few minutes the sound of the water being turned on before the glass was returned to his lips. It felt like hours before he was able to focus and comprehend the things around him once again. He felt even worse than he had that morning and knew he probably looked just as bad. At least it was only Shinra there to see him look like a mess. The man had seen him at his worst on several occasions, having been the only doctor that Izaya ever went to.

"How do you feel?" Shinra questioned as he took a seat at the table in front of him.

Izaya would have shot him a dirty look if he had the energy. Instead he just groaned before he spoke. "Like shit but I'm pretty sure you already knew that."

Shinra would have usually laughed at a remark like that and agree but the man didn't say anything. The silence unnerved the informant and he turned his gaze to see the concerned expression on his friend's face. He could see the gears turning in Shinra's head and he didn't like it one bit.

"What happened yesterday? I had to calm down a frustrated blonde all evening and he refused to say all that much about it." The concern was now evident in his voice but it did nothing to dull the ache Izaya felt building once more throughout his body.

Silence once again filled the room as he debated whether or not to try and explain what the hell had happened but he wasn't sure if he even had an answer to give. Izaya was still unsure himself of what had actually transpired. His plan hadn't worked out like he had wanted and then he had panicked after unwanted memories invaded his mind. He hadn't been in the right mindset to handle the situation properly. His head dropped in shame at the accusations he had thrown at Shizuo. Izaya still wasn't sure why the blonde had been there but he knew it hadn't been because of the original reasons his brain had supplied him. The pain in his chest intensified as he realized how badly he had messed things up. "I messed up Shinra."

One of the only good things in his life was now gone, thanks to do his own doing. Izaya didn't deserve to be happy. He just couldn't help screwing things up time and time again. No wonder everyone had came after him. Izaya Orihara was a joke. "I'm such a fuck up." He sobbed as he cradled his knees to his chest and put his head in his knees. He could barely take in a breath of air without it being ripped out of him in a pained sob. 

He hadn't heard the sound of Shinra moving until he felt arms around him. If it had been any other time he would have pushed him away but instead he just sobbed harder. "Shh everything will work out. Everyone has their bad days." Shinra whispered soothingly. The doctor was too good for him. Why the man would even consider the pathetic excuse for a human that Izaya was a friend he would never know but in that moment he appreciated it more than anything. The informant may have extinguished his light that had kept his negative thoughts at bay but at least if he was going to be stuck in the dark than he had someone to help him not completely succumb to the darkness. Without Shinra, Izaya would easily have drank himself to death on his kitchen floor without a single thought about his own life.

"He's worried you know," Shinra began, almost hesitantly. "I might not know what actually happened but I think he was just as confused about it as Celty and I were. When he realized you weren't at our place he was about to storm over here until Celty stopped him. We could tell that he was upset and figured it would have just made things worse. You should probably talk to him."

"No!" Izaya screeched as he looked up at Shinra in fear. He looked down again, ashamed by his outburst. "I mean… I can't. Not now."

"Why not? He's worried about you Izaya and at what I saw when I walked in here, he has reason to."

"I just can't." Izaya was going to leave it there but the stern look on Shinra's face had him speaking again. "I can't keep doing this. If it's not work I screw things up and even then I still have those moments. I'll just bring him down with me and I just can't bring myself to do that. I never could." _He deserves better_ _than me._

"I can't say I agree with you but as long as you don't keep doing this to yourself then I'll try and stay out of it." Shinra said with a nod. 

"Thank you." Izaya knew that Shinra didn't want to stay out of the mess that the informant had created which is why he appreciated the gesture even more. 

Shinra opened his mouth to say something but was cut off by the sound of a phone ringing. It killed Izaya's head but was thankful it was quickly ended as Shinra stepped back and put the phone to his ear. "Hello?" The quick glance in his direction unnerved him. "Now isn't really a good time. Yeah, I'm with him. Not good. It would be better if you didn't." 

Izaya listened in on the one side of the conversation, not taking much effort in putting together who it was. He felt nauseous all of a sudden and having believed it to be due to the conversation happening over the phone in his kitchen, Izaya had been unprepared for the vomit that escaped him and spewed out over his kitchen floor. He had managed to turn toward the side and somehow get none on him but as suddenly as the first rush hit, Izaya was prepared for the second and had managed to move his way toward the trashcan before he got sick again.

He could hear footsteps behind him moving around quickly as he still heard Shinra speaking, now quickly, over the phone but was too preoccupied emptying what little there was in his stomach to listen to what his friend was actually saying.

"I'll call you back," Shinra said before he quickly moved toward Izaya and rubbed his back gently.

Izaya groaned in agony as he let his head hang over the waste basket that now was filled with vomit. The smell was awful but he was afraid that as soon as he moved away that he'd get sick again. He had already made a mess in his kitchen, he really didn't want to make it any worse. He believed it to be done for now so he let himself move to where he was leaning against the counter again, but this time right next to the trash can so if he got sick he'd be right there. If he thought he could move that far he would have headed towards the bathroom. Easier clean up but at least his current spot was more comfortable.

"Well that was bound to happen sooner or later." Shinra sighed before handing Izaya a towel and a glass of water.

The informant wiped off his mouth before taking a drink, more so to rid himself of the taste of vomit. It didn't help nearly as much as he would like but at least it was something. Truth be told he felt he deserved to suffer for all of his screw ups. Wasn't that how karma was supposed to work anyway? It was about time that it caught up to him but the thought that it finally might have filled him with a sense of dread. He had done so many shitty things in his life that even if he felt he deserved to suffer he wasn't sure he was ready for the consequences that it would bring.

Running a hand through the mess that was currently his hair, Izaya scoffed at the possibility. "Karma sure is a bitch."

"Of course you'd be the type to believe in such a thing," Shinra laughed and Izaya had the sudden urge to throw something at the other man.

"I'm going to ignore that comment and save you from having something thrown at your head."

Shinra just shot him a smile before his face turned serious once more. "I'm glad to see you more lively than when I let myself in but I can tell that there is still a lot on your mind. If you need to talk about it… perhaps getting it off your chest would help?"

He hated how well Shinra seemed to know him. Lacking the energy to come up with a believable lie he sighed heavily, knowing that he was couldn't get away from this completely. It wasn't like he had anywhere to go that the other man couldn't find him either. "I had a panic attack yesterday."

Shinra stood up from where he had been leaning against the doorframe as the atmosphere once again grew serious. Izaya avoided his friend's gaze, unwilling to see the expression on the man's face. They had been down this road before. Izaya having been reduced to panic, reacting badly to it and then doing something stupid like trying to drink it away. He might not have told Shinra the whole story in the past but he was sure the man was smart enough to piece most of it together. He was a lot more observant than the informant ever gave him credit for.

"Now that I think about it I know it was stupid. I know I was being difficult. He hadn't meant to hurt me." Izaya rubbed his arm where Shizuo had held too tightly the day before. He gritted his teeth to avoid wincing. "It just brought up bad memories and things just quickly got worse." Izaya felt a pang of guilt as he remember slashing his blade at the blonde, knowing he made contact with flesh at least a handful of times. "I hurt him and then I went and accused him of lying about why he was with me. I felt so angry and betrayed that I ended up ruining everything and then ran."

Hearing a sigh escape the other man, Izaya turned his gaze up to finally look at Shinra. It looked as if he was trying to piece together what he was told and probably what little Shizuo had told him, because he was sure the blonde had gone to the doctor shortly after he had lost him in the crowded street and Shinra had even told him that he had been over at their place.

"Well that makes a lot more sense now." Shinra muttered before he knelt down so he was eye level with Izaya. "I can't say I approve of whatever it was you were doing at that warehouse before Shizuo showed up but what happened afterward is not your fault." Izaya was about to say something but Shinra cut him off. "It's not. You were in a state of panic which led you to be overly paranoid. There is nothing to feel guilty about and I know Shizuo doesn't blame you. He's just confused."

Izaya fidgeted before looking away once the blonde's name was said again. Even if Shinra was right there wasn't anything that could rid him of his guilt. He had hurt someone he cared about in more ways than one. Who's to say it won't happen again? Izaya knew there was something wrong with him. There had been ever since he was a kid and he was pretty sure he knew who was to blame. Even in death that man was still ruining his life.

"I know that look Izaya. You may not believe me but at least do us all a favor and not drink yourself to death. I feel like if I hadn't gotten here when I did than instead of giving you these little talks I'd have to be explaining to your family what happened."

He knew it wasn't completely intentional but the mention of his family felt like a slap in the face. Izaya knew for a fact that none of them would approve of his behavior. He knew his mother would have likely returned from overseas and refuse to leave until she thought he was better and if it didn't conflict with work he figured his father would likely come along too. As for his sisters he wasn't quite sure. He saw them now and then since they had refused to go anywhere else for school other than Raira Academy. They were aware of his occupation and the dangers that came with it, even have used his services a handful of times, but he doubted they knew about his other bad habits.

It was something he tried to avoid. His problems were his own and he didn't want to bother his family with them. They had dealt with enough of it in the past and it wasn't likely they could do anything besides have him locked away somewhere. That thought would typically make him laugh but in that moment it just sent a chill up his spine. His parents had already tried getting him to talk to a therapist when he was young and that hadn't exactly gone well. At this point he was probably beyond help anyway, unless they could get rid of the memories that plagued him and he doubted they could. He had spent years trying to do just that.

"You won't have to do that," Izaya finally muttered before he looked up. "I'll be more careful."

"I'd rather you stop this behavior all together but I can't exactly stop you. It's not like I can keep an eye on you all the time." Shinra said. Izaya could tell the smile that now graced the doctor's features was forced but he remained silent about it. "Just take better care of yourself alright?"

"Yeah yeah. I'm just going to take some painkillers and sleep it off. I'll be fine tomorrow."

"I'd stop in to check on you but I've got a busy day tomorrow. I'll call to check that you're still alive so actually answer your phone." Shinra said before he stood up. "I know I said I'd try and stay out of it but you should also probably talk to Shizuo. I'm pretty sure he's called your phone nearly as much as I have."

Izaya just shook his head. "I can't. He'd be better off without me in his life. You would also but you're the only doctor I trust."

"Even so, you can't shake me that easily." Shinra laughed. "You're stuck with me if you like it or not."

"I know." Izaya said "Thank you." 

Shinra nodded before he walked out of the apartment, but not without hollering about taking better care of himself. Izaya couldn't help but laugh at that. He honestly felt bad if the man ever had children. They wouldn't be able to get away with anything under Shinra's careful eye.

As the apartment grew silent again, Izaya continued to sit on his kitchen floor. His thoughts were swimming with all of what had happened over the past two days and it just continued to put him in a sour mood. He really wanted to pop open another bottle of liquor but decided against it. Somehow Shinra would just know and Izaya really didn't want to listen to any more lectures that night.

When he actually pushed himself off the floor the sun was setting, giving him the perfect excuse to just go to bed. He'd deal with the mess that was his kitchen in the morning. He picked up his phone from the coffee table and walked into the bathroom. A sigh left his lips as he took in his pitiful appearance.  _ No wonder Shinra was so worried.  _ Hopefully a good night's sleep would help. 

After opening several of his prescription bottles and piling the pills into his palm, he popped them into his mouth like he had so many times before and washed them down with a glass of water. He walked back out and into his bedroom, barely managing to remove his pants before he plopped down on the mattress. His shirt was relatively clean so he had no desire to remove or change it in that moment. Instead he opened his phone and placed it to his ear, making an effort to listen to the voicemail that he had missed throughout the day. Most of them were from Shinra but there were a handful from Shizuo and he couldn't help but replay those over and over. Somewhere in the middle of one, Izaya was finally able to drift asleep, his phone still by his ear as the blonde's voice replayed throughout the night until the screen finally went black as the battery died. It wouldn't be a peaceful night's sleep but it was the best he would get for the rest of the week.


End file.
